My Personal Goal to be like Julia Sugarbaker

Countless hours spent on youtube have led me to this conclusion: I want to be more like Julia Sugarbaker.

To those of you who may not know (damn kids with your MTV), Julia Sugarbaker was a character on an 80's-90's sitcom called Designing Women. She was played by the late great Dixie Carter, who passed away almost two years ago.

Julia worked with three other women in a design firm in Georgia. Through the show's run, she became infamous for her powerful speeches. With her striking figure, her elegant yet forceful way of speaking, and her rationalizing attitude, Julia would constantly take down any idiot or bigot who dared to offend her. Whether the subject be AIDS discrimination, feminism, or a crude remark about her sister, Julia "The Terminator" would take them down with grace yet always leave them bleeding (metaphorically).

Now, I'm not quite close to ever being like Julia Sugarbaker. I am probably about the same height, so there's a good start. I also have a knack for sarcasm. And, on occasion, I will lapse into a Southern Drawl (actually, all my accents sound the same so this may not count). But I lack her confidence and her bravery, and her ability to not back down when someone is intimidating her. These are traits I hope will come to me with age. I'm still young enough that I consider older people "grown ups" and when they scold me I feel like I've done something wrong, even though said "grown ups" are probably just being assholes.

What I most envy about Julia is that she always knew just what to say to make her point. I'm not stupid, I know she was a fictional character and had a staff of writers plot out her speeches. But still, there are people who have solid arguments at the ready and know just the right phrasings to make themselves seem smarter than their opponent. I am not so prepared. When I debate with people (granted, not a common occurrence) I usually end up thinking in the car ride home "Damn, I should have said THAT".

Take example something that happened to me, but I'm going to exaggerate for dramatic effect to make my point. At my work a man asked me for a Sprite. I said we only had Sierra Mist. He seemed confused, and when I poured him his drink he said "I've never heard of that".

I wanted to say "Really?!? Really. You've NEVER heard of Sierra Mist? It's been around for ten years. Literally, ten years ago they came out with Sierra Mist, Pepsi's answer to Sprite. Have you not been to a restaurant or a grocery store or a vending machine in TEN YEARS? Does your wife do the grocery shopping for you? Do you just order alcohol everywhere you go? Do you not watch television and see commercials for Sierra Mist ON TV? It's not even Sierra Mist anymore, it's Sierra Mist Natural. This product has been around so long they made it "healthier" and discontinued the original. How incredible that, had they not kept going with Sierra Mist Natural, you would never have learned of this in the first place. A whole DECADE would have been spent with Sierra Mist and you wouldn't be any wiser about it. People would say "oh, remember Sierra Mist?" and you'd say "What is sierra mist?" and gone back to sipping your Mountain Dew. That'll be two bucks for this new experience you're having. Enjoy".

I didn't say that.

Mostly because being a Julia Sugarbaker means saying shit like that when someone is an asshole to you. And though this man was ignorant, he wasn't an asshole.

So...I suppose my point is I'm gonna work on my confidence and my long-winded rants. Most of them will go unsaid, and will probably go down in writing. But maybe one day I'll be able to unleash them on the public. Starting with the people who don't know about soft drinks...