The Fool Does Standup

This last Tuesday I got back into my old habit of doing comedy open mic nights at crowded little bars. It's something I haven't done a lot lately, but also something I enjoy doing. So Tuesday I went down to the Smiling Moose (located in South Side, Pittsburgh) and signed up to do some comedy.

My friend Jodi came and recorded it on my little iPhone (thanks Jodi!). It's a small room and the bar was packed, so there's a lot of background noise. It's also not the BEST open mic I've ever done, but the point of doing these is to experiment with your jokes and see what works and what doesn't. So I show this to you as my way of saying "I'm gonna try to do this a lot more now so that I can get better at it". Thanks for indulging.

The content is mostly family-friendly, although I curse a bit (eh, whatcha gonna do). The content consists of falling asleep while driving, personal space on the bus, listening to other people's music, and my opinion of The Scissor Sisters and their Kiki. I also close with a joke I was told my recently-passed Grandfather once said.

The Fool Writes: "The Luckiest Girl"

Now for something a little different: I challenged myself to write for an hour and see what happened. This is a little thriller short story I wrote, inspired by a girl I saw downtown one day and decided to completely fabricate a story for her. Read and enjoy!

“The Luckiest Girl”

by Isaac Crow

Sarah Tulsey was a lucky girl, although you would never be able to tell by looking at her. Sarah was at least one hundred pounds overweight and had a flat face. Her brown hair was always stringy and greasy, and she usually kept it up in a ponytail.

Her personality wasn’t very attractive either. She had very poor social skills and never had any friends in high school. Sarah was a rather mean girl. She wasn’t a bully, but she never took advantage of people who tried to open up to her and be her friend. She was a loner mostly all her life.

So why was Sarah a lucky girl? For one thing, she always wore a bright yellow t-shirt that said “Lucky Girl” in bold pink letters across the front. But just because something is written on a t-shirt doesn’t mean it’s true. Although if someone’s t-shirt says “I’m with Stupid” and has an arrow pointing up a themselves, that one is probably true.

But Sarah was a lucky girl long before she found that t-shirt. She was actually a lucky girl from the moment she was born.

Sarah’s mother, Elaine, was not loyal to her husband Edgar. She would cheat on him left, right, and sideways despite the fact that he was a devoted husband. Shortly after marrying him Elaine realized she didn’t love him but, worried about never finding love again, she stayed married to him. She had her affairs but they never lasted long.

One night Elaine lay with another man, Simon. Simon was a hard-working man and (according to Elaine) a very passionate lover. Unfortunately, he was also careless. Simon’s wife came home and found him in bed with Elaine. Which is bad enough in most cases, but Simon happened to be married to a woman who claimed to be a witch.

The witch was furious. As Elaine scurried around the bedroom picking up her clothes, the witch screamed at her. She said, “May your first born child be doomed to die. Every five years of your child’s life, Death will come for it and try to take it. Death will only leave her be if It takes another in her place. If It does, it will return five years later to try again, until it succeeds.”

Elaine was not a very superstitious person, but the witch’s words got to her. As it happened, a few weeks later Elaine learned she was pregnant. She tried to contact Simon, but no one had seen him in weeks, and his wife had left town. Elaine managed to convince Edgar the child was his, and from then on she remained loyal to him.

Elaine gave birth in a hospital, like any respectable woman would. For the nine months she spent preparing she worried about the words the witch had said. Would her baby have problems? Would it die in her womb? Would it be stillborn? Sometimes these thoughts kept her awake at night. Other times she would sleep and dream of the witch, and wake up in an icy sweat.

The doctor who delivered Sarah was an old man. Dr. Williams had delivered over a hundred babies in his lifetime, and it was rumored he could do it blindfolded. All his nurses and patients loved him, and said they never had a better doctor to help them through their childbirth. Elaine loved him as well, and she was happy he was able to successfully deliver Sarah.

After he cut the cord, Dr. Williams put Sarah in Elaine’s arms. “Congratulations, Mrs. Tulsey,” he said, “It’s a beautiful baby girl.” And then he fell over and died.

That event traumatized Elaine. Dr. Williams was old, for sure, so a heart attack wasn’t that uncommon. Still Elaine couldn’t help but think his death was the reason her Sarah survived. Although she still worried, she decided to push it to the back of her mind as she took care of her lucky baby girl.

Almost five years went past and Elaine couldn’t have been happier. She had made peace with her marriage to Edgar and loved taking care of Sarah. Although the little toddler was chubby, she had no health problems and all the specialists said she would live a happy life. For many years Elaine never even thought about the witch.

But then one week before Sarah’s fifth birthday the nightmares returned. The witch would be standing there, fire burning in those dark eyes. She would be pointing an accusing bony hand at Sarah and repeating her curse. Again, Sarah found herself waking up in cold sweat and, one time, screaming.

By the time Sarah’s birthday rolled around Elaine was convinced death would come for her baby once more. The panic caused her to never let Sarah out of her sight for fear something would happen. So she began to make plans.

For Sarah’s birthday, Elaine and Edgar got her a cake and had a small celebration as a family. It was one of the only (and the last) times Elaine would feel like she had a perfect family. Elaine put Sarah to bed as Edgar sat in his favorite chair to watch television. Worried about Sarah’s “allergies” Elaine made her daughter take a dose of Benadryl. When she was sure her daughter was out like a light, Elaine calmly walked back into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. Silently, she went into the living room and cut her husband’s throat.

And lucky Sarah lived another five years.

Those next five years were particularly rough on Elaine. She felt guilt over all the abuse she had given Edgar over the years, not to mention murdering him in cold blood. She was always worried she’d be found out, too. Disposing the body had been scary, but she managed to get Edgar into the trunk of her car and later bury him in the woods.

The nightmares were more frequent. Sometimes the witch would be there, pointing and screaming at her. Sometimes it was Edgar, blood still pouring from the large gash where his throat used to be. Sometimes both of them would be in the dream. Other times Death would appear, wearing a long black cloak and reaching a cold dead hand out to grab her.

By the morning of Sarah’s tenth birthday Elaine was almost completely deteriorated. She hadn’t slept or eaten in at least a week and her face looked hollow and full of pain. That morning after she sent Sarah off to school and wished her Happy Birthday, Elaine began to write her a note. In that note, she explained everything: her affair, the witch, Dr. Williams’ dying, and the murder of her father. After finishing the note and putting it in an envelope addressed to “My Lucky Girl”, Elaine called an ambulance. Immediately after hanging up the phone, Elaine hung herself from the ceiling of her living room. The paramedics didn’t make it in time.

And, Sarah lived five more years.

Foster care was a rough time for Sarah, especially since she was a rude little girl who got teased because of her weight. Even worse was that she thought her mom was crazy, going on about witches and what not. Sarah learned the murder was very true (police found her father’s skeleton buried where Elaine’s note said it was), so she was convinced her dear, sweet mother was clearly mentally unstable.

As Sarah grew into a surly teenager she began to have weird dreams. Her parents would appear to her and tell her to be careful. Sometimes a woman she’d never met would point and scream at her. Other times she would dream it was just pitch black, but then she would realize she was in a coffin and had to dig her way out.

Despite being a rude loner, Sarah did manage to get herself a boyfriend of sorts. Rory was your typical “badass” foster care kid who also didn’t have a lot of friends. Eventually the two formed a sort of bond where they would sneak out to get drunk and smoke together. Upon learning it would be Sarah’s fifteenth birthday, Rory made plans for them to sneak out and go to their favorite hangout on an abandoned wooden bridge.

Sarah was excited to be going out with Rory that night, pushing all the thoughts of her horrible nightmares out of her mind. They got to their favorite spot, split a bottle of Jack and a joint and spent the night holding each other. It was the first perfect night Sarah remembered having since her mother died.

When the sun started to rise Rory told her they had to get back. As Sarah pulled herself up she lost her footing and fell against the railing of the wooden bridge. It broke beneath her weight and Sarah suddenly found herself falling towards the rocks below. Luckily, Rory was fast enough to see her fall and strong enough to catch her and pull her back up.

“Shit, that was a close one.” He said, stroking her dirty hair out of her face.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “Thanks.”

The two walked off the bridge and started through the woods. They didn’t get too far before Rory realized he left his jacket on the bridge. “Stay here, I’ll go get it.”

Sarah waited for him in the silent woods for a few minutes. A loud crack and then an even louder crash made her heart jump to her throat. Running as fast as her fat legs could carry her, Sarah ran back to the bridge. When she got there, she couldn’t see it. At the bottom of the rocky ravine was a pile of planks that used to be the bridge and, somewhere amongst them, Rory’s body.

Sarah lived another five years, the lucky girl.

Sarah had managed to get a job at a department store. It was all she could get, education wise, and all she could handle mentally. One of her managers, Tina, was a real bitch to Sarah everyday. She would tell her to be nicer to the customers and to move faster on the sales floor. Sarah hated her, but tolerated her enough to get her job done. It was actually at this department store Sarah bought her  “Lucky Girl” t-shirt. She hoped wearing it ironically would cheer her up and maybe allow her to make friends. It didn’t.

Life had gone even further downhill for Sarah by the time she neared twenty. Rory’s death had scarred what little sanity she had left. Nightmares happened every night. Sometimes that bony woman would appear. The witch, Sarah though, although she still didn’t want to believe in witches. Other people would appear with the witch. An old doctor she never knew. Her father with dried blood caked down the front of him. Her mother, rope burns on her colorless neck and sadness in her dead eyes. Rory, almost unrecognizable with all the pieces of him that were missing. It was hell.

The nightmares happened almost nightly three months before her twentieth birthday. Sarah couldn’t get them out of her mind…did this mean the curse was actually real? It couldn’t be, could it? It was two freak accidents, one murder, and one suicide…it’s definitely a lot of bad luck, but surely Sarah wasn’t cursed.

To convince herself she wasn’t cursed, Sarah had made plans to stay home alone on her birthday. Nothing would happen and she’s live the next day and no one else would’ve died. That was, until Tina schedule her to work the midnight shift at the store.

“They’ve upped our trucks this week, Sarah, and this shit needs to get unpacked and put away. Everyone has to do their part.” Tina would tell her before running into her office to do “her part” sitting at a nice cushy desk.

Sarah worked hard all night by herself, just Tina sitting in the office. At about two in the morning Tina came to the backroom and told Sarah she had to dump her trash in the compactor before they went home. As Tina unlocked the compactor, Sarah began to get horrible chest pains. She clutched at her flabby chest and said “oooh damn”.

Tina rolled her eyes. “Quit being a huge baby, Sarah, and throw your trash away.”

But Sarah’s pain wasn’t going away. It was coursing all through her body, and her world began to spin wildly. The lights felt like they were flashing, but Tina wasn’t reacting like they were. Her manager was saying something to her but Sarah couldn’t make out what she was saying. The pain finally got so intense Sarah was sure she was going to collapse.

Oh my God, she thought, Death is coming for me!

Not willing to die, Sarah tried with all her might to gain her wits and finally succeeded. In a rash moment of lucidity, Sarah grabbed Tina and rammed the smaller woman’s head against the metal door of the compactor. Again and again she slammed it, blood flying everywhere. Did Tina scream? Or was that her? Sarah wasn’t sure. The pain in her chest went away as she looked at Tina’s body in a puddle of blood on the floor.

Sarah tucked Tina into the compactor and closed the door, but couldn’t bring herself to press the “crush” button. Instead, Sarah raced off into the night, never to be seen by anyone in the area again.

Sarah is now an urban legend. Some people say they see Sarah wandering around cities in her Lucky Girl t-shirt. Some speculate she is simply on the run from the police for killing her boss. Others suggest she’s trying to track down the witch to get her curse removed. Others still say she’s hunting for whoever Death is going to take on her twenty-fifth birthday.

Sarah Tulsey is now a wanted woman. She is a confirmed murderer, a former juvenile delinquent, and a possible psychotic. But she is also a very lucky girl.

Zombies and Ho's

Happy Sunday everybody! Also, Happy Halloween. I know it's Wednesday, but everyone already celebrated this weekend. Plus I don't have a lot to say about the holiday because I don't care about it a whole lot, so trick or treat and what have you.


I did get somewhat into the spirit last night, however. After working a double shift at the PPT (last chance to see Born Yesterday this afternoon!) I went with my friend Jodi to see the original Night of the Living Dead. It was a return trip to The Manor movie theater for me and this was the last of their four-part Vintage Horror Movie series.

I had never seen the horror classic before so I was really excited about it. A nice little surprise was that Russell Streiner, a producer and actor in the film, was at the Manor last night. He was taking pictures with fans and did a Q&A after the movie (we didn't stay, we had to work in the morning). Mr. Streiner has done a lot of work with bringing film production to Pennsylvania, and is chairman of The Pittsburgh Film Office.

Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed Night of the Living Dead. I was surprised at some of the gore (zombies arguing over eating intestines was a nice surprise) and that the main hero was African-American, which was a huge deal at its time. However, there were a few clear anti-feminist themes in the film. Our main heroine, Barbara, spends the movie in a cationic stage which annoys the other heroes (and, frankly, the audience). But it was a different time then, so I suppose I'll overlook it.

In other news, I know I haven't blogged about books in a while, but I just finished a good one. It's Pimp, the autobiography of reformed pimp/author Iceberg Slim (real name Robert Beck). Sounds like an odd choice, probably. I decided to read it after a recurring joke at the PPT had people calling me Iceberg Slim. Since Slim was a rough, famous, black pimp and I am none of those things, the nickname is a bit ironic. But the book intrigued me.

Published in 1969, Pimp recounts Slims life up to the age of 43, when he stopped pimping. He talks about the love for his mother, his first experience pimping, multiple trips to jails and prisons, doing hard drugs, and building a "family" of whores. The slang is a bit hard to get into, but eventually I got used to it all. Slim has quite the way with words, making phrases that can be incredibly graphic while also oddly poetic. Here's an excerpt: "He looked at me and made that clacking sound against the roof of his mouth with his tongue. You know, that mischievous, weirdly joyful sound that a young kid makes the instant before he rams a hat pin into your ear drum" -Iceberg Slim, Pimp.


The term "pimpin ain't easy" proves very true here: Slim had a rough life during the pimp game, and in the end of the book he admits he'd have died much earlier if he had kept it up (Slim died in 1992). Here are one of the final thoughts he has about the subject:

"I had spent more than half a lifetime in a worthless, dangerous profession. If I had stayed in school, in eight years of study I could have been an M.D. or lawyer. Now here I was, slick but not smart, in a cell. I was past forty with counterfeit glory in my past, and no marketable training, no future. I had been a bigger sucker than a square mark. All he loses is scratch. I had joined a club that suckered me behind bars five times." -Iceberg Slim, Pimp.

So that's what I've been up to, friends. Hope everyone has a lovely Halloween week. I'll probably have nightmares about undead prostitutes, but then that's normal isn't it?

Wednesday with Wanda

Hello y'all.

I've had quite the busy week, at least by my standards. In personal news I started a new job (actually, it's the same job at a different location) and trust me, there's nothing blog-worthy about it. I've started playing Tiny Tower on my phone, so if you don't like your job I suggest downloading that.

Monday I was fortunate enough to participate in FUNDS: True Stories About Money. I told a little story about life in WV and transporting a baby calf in the back of my father's blazer. It was for a good cause, but I'll just suggest you read the post Chelsea wrote, she tells you all about it there. Plus I don't like to toot my own horn.

Then on Wednesday I had off work from the PPT so I went to the Altar Bar to see the Queen of Rockabilly, Ms. Wanda Jackson.

Never heard of Ms. Jackson? You're not alone. I only discovered her recently. Which is crazy bizarre, because she's been singing for years and hasn't stopped yet. Wanda helped bring awareness to the rise of rock and roll back in the fifties, even working with (and dating) the King himself. Her rough, gravely voice made her songs unlike anything else at the time. While she may not have the same "bite" she did back then (Ms. Jackson celebrates her 75th birthday tomorrow), she sang her concert last night without any signs of struggle and KILLED IT.

Daniel Romano playing.

I had never been to the Altar Bar before. It's a really neat-looking place with a wide open area for dancing and a bar off to the side. There wasn't a huge crowd (it was a Wednesday, after all) but the respectable crowd made up for it with their enthusiasm. Wanda's opener was Canadian country singer Daniel Romano, who had a nice mellow charm as he crooned out a more "traditional" country sound. Give him a listen, if you'd like.

Wanda takes the stage.

When Romano was over, there was a brief break and then Wanda's band play a few tunes (I forget their names, but they were fantastic). Then the Queen entered, dressed in her trademark pink fringed vest. She was being escorted and needed help climbing the stairs to the stage. When she finally reached the stage she quipped "You all act like an old lady just got on stage". It was the first of many funny lines she'd give throughout the night.

Wanda's set list picked songs from all over her 58 year career. She opened with the first song she ever recorded "I Gotta Know" and then one of her more popular hits "Funnel of Love". While signs of age are inevitable, this woman stills know how to sing, rock, and entertain a crowd.

Wanda eventually got to the part of her show where she talks about Elvis. It was just fascinating to hear her talk about him- I mean, she worked (and dated) ELVIS. That's pretty freaking cool. While she admits he wasn't her one true love, she says she owes everything to him and pays tribute to him at all her shows. She then proceeded to sing "Heartbreak Hotel". I recorded a minute in the middle for y'all.

She then moved on to the album she made a year ago with Jack White, The Party Ain't Over (which I love). On that CD she covers Amy Winehouse's "You Know I'm No Good". She talked about how she was reluctant to sing that song at first, but after Jack White insisted, she fell in love with it. Then she talks about how she never got the chance to meet Ms. Winehouse. I recorded her talking about Amy, and singing the first two verses of the song. (Blogger is having issues uploading the video, so I put it on Youtube. Enjoy.)

"You know I'm no....good."

Then she moved on to her latest album, Unfinished Business, which was produced by country/folk singer Justin Townes Earle. Unlike Jack White's production, Earle took Jackson back to her country/rockabilly/blues roots on the new album (released only two weeks ago). Wanda took out some note cards, confessing she needed a little assistance with lyrics on these new songs. She then told a story about when she saw Elvis pull out some written lyrics on television. "If it was good enough for the King, it's good enough for me!"

Her new album sounds like it's gonna be great, so I put it on my wish list of CD's I'll buy next. I really had a fantastic time at the concert, seeing a legend not many people are familiar with. It's very inspiring to see someone who's almost 75 years old still doing what they love to do and still rocking it out. I hope I'm half as lucid when I'm her age. And I hope I'm still singing her songs in the shower.

Craigslist and Invisible Me

This may come as a surprise to you, but there are a lot of freaks on Craigslist. If you have some downtime (and if you're reading this, you have downtime) click over to Craigslist and click away at the rent ads or the personals. Remember if a personals posting has "picture" next to it, you may wanna click at your own risk.

Lately I've been trying to find myself a cheap room, so I've turned to Craigslist on more than one occasion. I tend to overlook some of the "shadier" postings and I have managed to find a few cool rooms. It's a matter of avoiding people who seem a bit...off...

Take for instance one poster who was looking for a "semi nude roommate". As in, he wanted a roommate he could be comfortable being naked in front of, since he doesn't always wear a towel out of the shower and things like that. Granted, for most people this would be called a "deal-breaker". I could tolerate semi-nudeness, I think, but not as the crux of the advertisement. The poster made no mention of utilities or location...just "hey, I get naked. That cool?" That depends, who's paying for electricity? You are?!? Hell yeah it's cool, let's see it.

I'm kidding.

But today I had a fairly sketchy encounter as the Universe told me to stop looking at Craigslist for a bit. Today I went to look at a house with a room available. The rent was super cheap so I jumped on it. I spoke to the man 'selling' the room, Max, last night on the phone. He informed me that he, his son, and two other men lived in the house and there were three Cocker Spaniels. I was already half convinced I did not want this room, but decided to go for shits and giggles.

So today I hopped on a bus and took a brisk 20 minute walk to this house. It was in a clean enough neighborhood and the house itself was pretty decent-looking, if maybe a bit dirty. I get up on the porch and the big front door is open but the little 'screen' door isn't. I knocked and sent the three dogs (knew I had the right place) into a barking frenzy. Yet no one came to the door.

I stood on the porch a bit and eventually a man came off from the street and let the dogs out. He was petting them and he knew their names, so I relaxed a bit. Before I could try to introduce myself, Max came out of the house. Max was an older man, in his 60's, and he looked a bit "disheveled" and had a slow way of speaking.

Max and the guy from the street (let's call him John) proceeded to have a conversation RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and neither of them bothered to introduce themselves to me. So I stood there, nodding along like I was a part of this lovely porch chat. Eventually John told Max he would take the dogs for a walk around the block and he'd be back soon. Max said "alright, I'll be working in the yard." and went right back into the house, leaving me on the porch.

I was, you might guess, confused.

Who doesn't say anything to a stranger on their porch? I could have shot them both! I felt like I just wandered into some scene in a play that I wasn't supposed to be in. After Max went inside I looked around, thinking maybe there was a hidden camera across the street or something. Then I really started to panic: had I finally turned invisible? I looked at my own hands in disbelief. I couldn't be invisible; the bus had stopped for me.

The whole day I was trying not to be a wimp about everything (the neighborhood wasn't really one I'd pick). But finally I just had to face facts. I told myself "This isn't the place for you. It's in a kinda shitty area, it's a long walk to your bus, there are 3 dogs here that will always be barking, and the guy who owns the place can't SEE you. Move on."

And so I did. I just awkwardly left the porch and walked back to my bus stop. By the time I reached the end of the street I was giggling at how absurd that had been. I came home, removed the number from my phone, and marked dear Max as "spam" in my email.

What's my moral here? For one thing, Craigslist isn't all bad. But, like everything else, eventually something bad (or just less good) will come your way. Just make sure you go in the daylight and bring a large knife.

New Cult Classic Submission: RV

I'm gonna attempt a new recurring segment (which for this blog, means "I may do this twice"). A lot of films are obvious cult classics: The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Army of Darkness, Reefer Madness, just to name a few. These movies didn't do well in their prime, but live on in the hearts of many who enjoy watching them on DVD and poking slight fun (that's a basic definition of a cult film, more or less).

Then there are films like Hocus Pocus and The Goonies that seem to have gained a cult following based on the number of times they've aired on television. So I'd like to look at a few films that maybe didn't draw a lot of attention when they originally aired, but I think deserve a second look. Forget thinking of these movies as "movies" and start watching them tongue-in-cheek.

I have quite a few potentials lined up; I'll start with one of Robin Williams' least-talked-about movies: RV.

RV is a family vacation comedy about a man who drags his family on a cross-country vacation in an obnoxious RV, although he really is traveling to Colorado to present a merger proposal for his boss' company. Cult Indication: The plot is stupid.

RV didn't do well in theaters, and frankly it's not terribly unique (a poor man's National Lampoon's Vacation, one might say). But TBS keeps airing it and I have to say, like drinking wine, it gets better when you do it repeatedly. Here are some of the reasons I think RV will be a cult classic.

1. Robin Williams is a good sport
So it's not his greatest role. Not by a long shot. He still tries though. Williams always has charisma (to me) and so I love watching him deal with his family and coworkers, all who are essentially assholes to him. Whenever he mutters something sarcastic under his breath I always chuckle. Perhaps it's the child in me flashing back to his work in Aladdin, but Robin Williams will always be someone I root for. Even if he's covered in shit.

It should also be mentioned he works well with his co-star Cheryl Hines (not his best scene partner ever, but whatever) but really shines when yelling at Lola, the voice of his GPS. We've all been there right? My family calls GPS "bitch in a box". It's cute.

2. Kristin Chenoweth is in another "piece-of-crap" film
I love the Tony and Emmy-award winning actress as much as the next guy (I wept when they took off Pushing Daisies)...but let's get real: any movie with her in a big role has never done well. Not that it's her fault it's just...she does bad movies? Come on...the neighbor in Bewitched...Danny DeVito's wife in that holiday movie...that new movie Hit and Run that looks dumb.

But, like Robin Williams, she always has fun in her movies. She plays the wife and mother in a roaming, yodeling, trailer-riding family. I mean, come on, this is definitely a role for Chenoweth.

3. Josh Hutcherson's character is ridiculous
Future Hunger Games heartthrob Josh Huthcerson plays Robin Williams' little son in this movie and it's so bizarre. The kid weighs about 60lbs but is a weightlifting rapper. The term "wigger" is crude and maybe only slightly accurate, but that's what we're looking at here. But somehow it works: the little weirdo's excuse for not wanting a family vacation is "no one has thought about how this will effect my weight training schedule". He's like 12.

Here's Josh and a few other "thugs", along with Robin Williams throwing down.

4. This film is like a real family vacation...more or less.
Alright, so in one scene Robin Williams walks INTO A LAKE and drives the RV out of it. And the RV is still running. And no one questions that. It's an absurd moment (one of many) in the film which when you pause to actually think about it, it's hilarious.

But aside from the occasional lapse of reality, this film can ring true. My father loves watching this movie on tv because he states "this is just the kind of shit that happens on vacation". He's mostly referring to the "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong" rule and the unspoken rule that only one person on vacation really wants to go.

5. It ends with a music video; no reason.
The end credits of this film are an absurd two minutes, featuring the cast singing "Get Your Kicks on Route 66". It starts with the couples singing in pairs, which is fine. Cheryl Hines milks her comedic skills as the tone-deaf wife. Kristin Chenoweth yodels for a bit, then hits an opera high note to remind us that she's a star. Then Josh Hutcherson...raps...while Hunter Parrish gives us a beat...time usually freezes at that point. And then Jojo, who has the most boring role of "bitchy teen" finishes the song. What's great about this movie is that it will remind everyone who Jojo was.

So there we go. Just a few of the reasons I think RV should be considered a cult classic. What do we think?

I'd actually like to get people's opinions so LEAVE A COMMENT on this page of what movies you think should be considered cult classics and maybe I'll write about them for "submission". Ooooh interactive blogging, how fun!

Legitimate Honey Boo Boo (Let's Talk About Idiots)

 I have never claimed to be terribly intelligent. I wouldn't say I'm an idiot, but I couldn't explain why the sky is blue or do your taxes for you. I call this blog "the fool speaks" for a reason; it's the ramblings of someone who graduated in the middle of his class and has no clue what he's doing. What scares me is that while I consider myself a fool, I recognize that the world is full of people dumber than I am. And this week, those people seem to be everywhere.

We'll start with latest media frenzy Todd Akin. If you don't know, Mr. Akin is in the House of Representatives for Missouri. During a recent interview about pro-life and pro-choice issues, Mr. Akin declared that pregnancies from rape were "really rare" and that "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down." That "whole thing" he's referring to would be conception.

The Fool would like to point out...this is incorrect. If the female body could just turn off the ability to conceive simply because the woman doesn't want to, then there wouldn't be a show called 16 and Pregnant.

Through the beautiful magic of the internet, everyone went wild against Mr. Akin's ridiculous statements. "Where can I get my rape illegitimized?" Highlights on my Twitter feed go to comedian Anthony Jeselnik (Todd Akin makes perfect sense if you replace 'legitimate' with 'anal') and comedian Jen Kirkman (starting a riot grrl band called Legitimate Rape). But I would be remiss if I didn't mention a fellow WVU Theater Alum named Taylor Ferrera. Currently residing in New York, Taylor writes many hilarious political songs and puts them up on youtube, and her latest hit "Legitimate Rape" has received quite a bit of attention. Go check it out!

Comedy aside, here's what's upsetting about Mr. Akin's comments. This man is in his 60's. He has served in the House of Representatives for over 10 years. He is doing incredibly well financially, I'm sure, and I assume also has a loving family. All this, and he doesn't know how conception works. Or perhaps he DOES know how conception works, but chooses not to believe to make a case for his anti-abortion cause. Abortion, by the way, is an issue 60 year old men shouldn't be worrying about.

But enough about dumb politicians. Let's talk about dumb television, my favorite thing in the world to talk about. Lately one of the more popular reality shows called Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. A spinoff of Toddlers and Tiaras, the titular character is a 6 year old "beauty contestant" living in Georgia with her "Mama", papa, and three sisters.

I discovered this show because it was on my own mother's DVR. In the first place, I always argue with her about Toddlers and Tiaras, and child beauty pageants as a whole. Actually, I hate all beauty pageants. In my eyes a beauty pageant is just another way of telling a girl/woman "if you look pretty, smile pretty, and talk nice people will love you. Don't worry about doing anything with your life." Pageant fans probably disagree with me, but fuck off. I just don't see how any contest with a swimsuit competition can fill its competitors with self respect.

Isn't she precious? Or is she looking for "my.....precious....."?

I digress. So I already believe Toddlers and Tiaras is awful, forcing little girls to dress up, put on makeup, wave like creepy ass little animatronics on the "It's a Small World" ride...seriously, who is that helping? The girls become brats, the parents become pussies...blech. But anyway, some little cute chubster with a strong southern accent apparently graced the stage and TLC decided to follow her family home.

I think doing "quick math" would be like doing calculus for this woman.

Now let's get real: people watch this show (Honey Boo Boo) because the family is trash. They tune to make fun of the fact that the whole family needs subtitles even though they all speak English or to count how many chins Mama has. The family buys a pig named "Glitzy", Mama hoards paper towels and other products in the pantry...I'd list more but this is about as much as I could stomach.

Also, her eldest daughter (17) is pregnant. If you've been reading this whole thing, you'll know that means her rape was NOT legitimate.

My own mama has pointed out that Honey Boo Boo's father, Sugar Bear (I know. I know.) drives a pretty nice truck for being poor white trash. Her point being, these people are probably compensated very well for doing this reality show. I agreed: this family has basically sold their privacy and respect for money, and if they're fine with that then good for them.

But I just LOVE the irony that a TV company called "The Learning Channel" (or could also stand for "Tender Loving Care") airs a show specifically for it's viewers to point and laugh at. This isn't the first time it's happened, of course, and won't be the last. And I won't pretend I don't laugh at people, but there's something disturbing about doing it as a country. It's like seeing a crazy person on the street; you may nudge your friend and go "look at that crazy person" but you wouldn't shout "LOOK AT THE FREAKING MORON!" and lead the street in a chorus of laughter. Would you?

What's my point of this?
Todd Akin: House of Representative. Running for Senate. Idiot.
Honey Boo Boo: Child beauty pageant contestant. Pig owner. Idiot.
There's nowhere to hide. We should just reverse their roles: Todd could be on a new TLC show called "Legitimately Akin" and Honey Boo Boo could run for senator.

New York, New Y-Oh crap, it's still raining.

I have just today gotten over a terrible cold that I got last night, one day after returning from my "vacation" to New York City. And by vacation I mean "some old friends were moving a friend into Astoria, so we crammed into a minivan and drove to New York to stay for a weekend." Here is a quick play by play.

THURSDAY NIGHT: Preparing Snacks. I buy a bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos and bake a batch of M&M cookies for the car ride. Both were great decisions.

FRIDAY MORNING: Awaiting pickup in Pittsburgh. While waiting, clean up the garbage outside that some animal got into, clean the litter boxes, pick up some cat vomit, and play with the dog. Finally the ride shows up and I cram into the purple minivan.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON: We make a detour to Delaware to pick up a fifth friend. It rained pretty much the entire drive. Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware...every state looks the same when the sky is gray and shitty. But there's corn in Delaware.

FRIDAY EVENING: We go through New Jersey. As gray as the sky was, it was even grayer in New Jersey. There is no color in New Jersey. Just gray and orange. (That's a tan joke).


We make it to New York. We play "Empire State of Mind" over the car radio as we enter, because we're SO ORIGINAL. It was funny at the time. 12 hours in a car and everything's either hideous or funny.

We finally reach Astoria and move our friend Anielle in. She actually has a pretty nice apartment. Actually, all the apartments we saw that weekend were nice by New York standards. I usually rate apartments based on "how much more comfortable is this apartment than the car?".

We do a bit of driving around. Our team splits up into two separate apartments (one in Brooklyn, one in Astoria) and pass out for the night.

SATURDAY MORNING: Our original plans to rush a Broadway show were scrapped when we realized we just didn't move fast enough. But that was ok, so we went to have brunch instead. We found a nice little restaurant called Five Points that served fantastic brunch. I had the sausage eggs Benedict (as delicious as it looks), my friend Mara had what was essentially egg lasagna, and my friend Jack had a BLT that he raved about for the rest of the trip. A triumphant breakfast, to say the least.

After brunch we set out to find Roni-Sue's candy shoppe, a place I'd read about in a book that has really unique truffles and chocolates. It took us a while to find the place, but it was well worth it when we did. I bought chocolate covered bacon and a truffle with White Russian inside. No regrets!

We then took a brief timeout at a little park. You could do nothing in this park. No skateboarding. No ball playing. And my favorite:

"No Loitering".

In a freaking park. I guess we broke the law?

SATURDAY AFTERNOON: We go to an H&M store so people can shop and I can walk around aimlessly. While there Mara decides she's going to throw up. So I take her outside to find a restroom. We eventually succeed in finding a little shop/Chinese buffet where she makes use of the bathroom and I buy a Vitamin water. Mara decides she wants to take a nap, so we retreat back to our friend Helene's apartment. I read my Kindle, and then also take a nap. That may sound like a waste of vacation, but really we were just happy to be out of our towns.

SATURDAY EVENING: We go to a nice Sushi place, J.J.'s something or other. I never had sushi yet I got a giant box of everything. I like the chicken and the little rolls and the dumplings. The meats were hit and miss, and I actually liked a tiny bit of Wasabi. After dinner Mara, Jack, and I were in charge of fetching the big minivan and bringing it back to Anielle's apartment. It took us at least an hour to find a parking spot. I finished off the Doritos that I rediscovered on the floor.

SATURDAY NIGHT: Jack and I decide we're not done with the day so we go explore the Astoria area. There are a few clubs and bars around, and we eventually decide on a place called Los Margaritas. Upon grabbing a menu, Jack reads the first item and says "Let's just split a pitcher of margaritas and get drunk right here." I agreed.

The waitress dropped this off at the table and then we literally didn't see her again for two hours. It was an awesome time though, just drinking outside in New York City in the middle of the night.

We eventually succeeded. We managed to relocate the apartment and stumbled inside, laughing hysterically and waking up a totally not amused Mara. Whoopsie.

SUNDAY MORNING: Brunch again. I forget the name of this place, but I had an omelet with French Fries in it, so ha.

SUNDAY IN GENERAL: We drove. We drove for hours and hours until it didn't seem possible we'd ever get there. But we did. As long as the car ride was, I was with some of my favorite people in the whole world and that made it so much better.

So that was my little vacation. Monday I was late for work, and then got the beginnings of a cold. Tuesday (this morning) I couldn't get out of bed because I hurt so much. I don't know what happened, I must of touched something gross on the subway and then touched my mouth. Oh well, New York New York!

Thunderstorms, Fallen Trees, Mace, and a side of home fries.

It's been quite the weekend for me. Having a lot more time off than usual I decided to make a trip to Morgantown to visit my best friend Mara for her birthday. Since my little deathrap died, I had to rely on my parent to take me from Pittsburgh to my little town o' Moundsville.

Little did I know that in addition to me, a ROUGH summer storm was also heading for Moundsville, and many other towns near it. I got home on Friday afternoon. After a day catching up and eating ice cream, we were going to go visit my cousin. However, before we could leave, the storm struck. Wind blew trees everywhere and eventually, as is the case, our power went out. When the storm subsided we tried to leave, only we didn't make it very far as there were trees down all over our lane. My sister and I moved some of the smaller trees out of our way, but our uncle eventually took his trusty chainsaw and tractor to clear the larger branches.

Our neighbors, however, won the contest for biggest tree lost. This giant pine tree next to their house fell over, not blocking the road but still quite an impressive sight.

Someone's going to have an AWESOME Christmas though.

So the power was (and, as of right now, is) still out. My relatives all resort to using their generators. I run over to sleep at my grandparents house (I need a fan sound to sleep...I'm a princess that way). Saturday morning my dad and I set out to get a generator from my cousin. We went into town...Dad's truck needed gas. There are about 5 gas stations in town. Only two of them had power. We had to wait a while.

I was yelling at people. "EVERYONE PAY AT THE PUMP, IT TAKES TOO LONG OTHERWISE!"

Finally we succeeded and shortly afterwards my sister and I abandoned ship to Morgantown. After transporting her bed (my old bed) to her new house I met up with Mara and her boyfriend Nate. We had some wine and headed out to Downtown Morgantown. First stop was bdubs; I needed to get some chicken in me. There we met up with our old buddy Jack and we headed to Vice Versa, Morgantown's gay bar.

Our plan was to go bar hopping, but we're kinda lazy people so we stayed at Vice. Plus, Captain Morgan is my friend. We eventually learned there would be a short Strip/Drag show. I don't have any pics or vids of the stripper Kennedy Morgan (sorry, loyal fans) however I took some video of the Drag show. Because the drag queen, a Molly Belle Cummings, did a number to 4 Non Blonde's "What's Up?" which is like my favorite worst song ever.

 

So, a bit more rum and a little dancing (I dance like Elaine from Seinfeld. Seriously, people left.) and we eventually decided to go home. Except we couldn't, because apparently the police were macing people right outside. So we had to wait a bit. Eventually we made our escape. 

The next morning, Mara and I headed to brunch at one of her favorites, The Golden Finch. I had eaten there before, and it was delicious then. I had banana chocolate chip pancakes, but this time I went for something cheesier: an Italian Ham omelet.

Their presentation was better, I had already dug into this mess.

It was a delicious omelet, with all sorts of veggies mixed in with the ham and cheese. Also got a side of home fries with onions, some toast, and a little fruit. Although I've only eaten there twice, I would strongly recommend hitting it up if you're in Morgantown, it's a great little place.

 

 

The interior of the Finch.

After breakfast, Mara and I decided to see an early movie. The movie was Rock of Ages. We didn't like it. I wrote a rather harsh review about it. And then, a nice truck ride back to Pittsbugh.

So yes, that was fun times, no? And I expect them to continue. I'm seeing Magic Mike tomorrow with some friends (keeping in the stripping theme of late) and Friday going to a Pirates game. Can't wait!

My Life in Video Games

I have now reached my favorite summer activity: staying inside away from that pesky sun and playing on mu computer for hours on end. It makes me nostalgic, so I figure what the hell I'll make a list of all the video game heroes that have accompanied me since I was a youngin'. So here we go, starting with the earliest I can remember:

1) Mario (and friends) Super Mario Bros (NES)

 I know, I know, how original. But what can I say? Mario was my first video game love. My Nana and Grandad lived away from me at the time, and my aunt lived with them and had a Nintendo (I never actually owned one myself). I loved playing Mario Bros on it, I would actually play as Mario and Luigi and switch controllers whenever the other brother died. It was the beginning of an addiction.

Mario stayed popular with me, mostly for the Mario Party series (which apparently, on easy mode, plays itself) and the many sports titles. And, of course, cannot forget tearing up the tracks with Princess Peach in any version of Mario Kart. I don't have a Wii (and don't want one) so I haven't seen the Bros in quite a while, but they hold a special pixel place in my heart (and the hearts of many, including this talented guy).

2) Sonic the Hedgehog and Tails, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (SEGA)

  Another classic, but for good reason. Again, I never owned a Sega but my cousins did and I could spend hours on it playing Sonic the Hedgehog. Racing through super fast tracks as little old Tails flew behind me, not really adding anything to the situation, but somehow being a comfort. Like Mario I never got very far in terms of progress (this was before you could save games, you know) but I MASTERED the art of not blinking while playing. The Sega really knew how to make your eyeballs sweat.

Unlike Mario and friends, the Sonic gang didn't stay strong with me. Countless titles popped up, but I think the last one I played was Sonic Heroes, which was a fun time but didn't really stick with me. While I like the wide amount of characters in the Sonic universe (Dr. Eggman is one of the best villains ever), a lot of them were pretty one-note.

3) Toejam and Earl, Toejam and Earl (SEGA)

Earl (left) and Toejam. They're from Funkotron. They rap too...it's a beautiful game.

Sweet wounded Jesus. I loved these two. In one of Sega's biggest hits, you played these two aliens as they wandered around earth looking for pieces of their wrecked spaceship. Along the way you fought the evil Earthlings, which included a woman pushing her baby in a shopping cart, a crazed dentist who poked you with his drill, the terrifying BOOGIE MAN, and a group of intellectuals called the Nerd Herd.

Toejam (center) wears a pool floatie while being ambushed by Cupid (left) and a Shopping Cart Lady (right).

This game is what I think of when I think of 90's video games, especially ones that weren't afraid to go for comedy instead of gameplay. But the game was fun and addictive. That being said, I never won. But I tried, god how I tried. What happened to these two? Well Sega released a side-scrolling sequel that I never played, but others seemed to like well enough. Then the Xbox released a third in the series and....well that's best forgotten.

4) Crash Bandicoot (and friends) Crash Bandicoot 2 (Playstation)

Alright, this series is hands down one of my favorites, and I never owned (but did complete) the original game. I started with the sequel and my love affair continued for years. The gameplay was simple and fun: take Crash, this genetically modified bandicoot, as he travels through jungles, temples, and castles to defeat his evil creator, Dr. Neo Cortex. Like Mario, the series evolved to include spinoffs like multiple racing games, a rather poor party game, and crossovers with another Playstation mascot, Spyro the Dragon.

Dr. Neo Cortex, mad scientist and antagonist of most Crash games.

Dr. N Gin, another villain who has a rocket stuck in his head. He started off as an Igor-like villain but grew into on of the series funniest characters.

 The Bandicoot went through many developers: the original, Naughty Dog, created the classic formula, giving us a likable hero and fun obstacles for him. Then Traveller's Tales took over, and after a mildly fun fourth game, unleashed Crash Twinsanity. In addition to fun gameplay, comedy and characters were amplified as in Twinsanity Crash had to team up with Cortex to save the world from The Evil Twins, who were Giant Birds. This new comedic feel (combined with an awesome soundtrack by acapella group Spiralmouth) breathed fresh life into the series.

 5) Mega Man Volnutt and Tron Bonne, The Megaman Legends series (Playstation)

The Mega Man Legends series is often forgotten about by most die hard Mega Man fans, because it is so radically different from the classic side-scrolling 2D games Mega Man is famous for. In Legends, we follow a young boy who is part machine as he flies around in an airship with his foster family, digging for treasure. Among the obstacles that stand in his way are underground robots, called Reaverbots, and all sorts of Pirates who want to get to the treasure first.

The most popular of those Pirates in the Bonne family, composed of Tiesal, Tron, and baby Bon. They battle Mega Man in a variety of different robots, as well as order around their Lego-like henchmen, the servbots. Tron became so popular they created a prequel game The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, and she is still around in the Marvel vs. Capcom fighting series.

Art of Tron as she stands over her battle armor, the Gustaff.

Honestly, while I still have the games I don't play them a whole lot. While they are still crazy fun, the graphics are a little blech and the voices are that over dramatic Japanese dubbing that got so popular. However once in a while I will pick up the games and revel in the great science fiction world they created, and will regret Capcom's decision to cancel Mega Man Legends 3.

6) Pokemon, Pokemon (Gameboy)

 I'll be quick about this. Yep, I played Pokemon. Yep, to this day my best friend and I will play Pokemon Puzzle League on her N64. I only got as far as the Silver/Gold series and I always had Bug type Pokemon in my roster (unless I had to fight someone who liked, ya know, fire). I have little else to say. Sometimes I wish I still had my Gameboy to play this once in a while. Pokemon was a gigantic hit for my generation and I feel like you can't really call yourself a child of the 90's if you didn't play it.

7) Sora (and friends), Kingdom Hearts (Playstation 2)

 Alright, I'll admit it: I'm like seven years old. I never played a Final Fantasy game, but when the creators of that series teamed up with Disney to create an epic adventure game, SIGN ME UP. The series follows Sora, a young boy chosen to wield a weapon known as a Keyblade, as he travels to different worlds to prevent them from disappearing into darkness due to the evil Heartless. The twist? The worlds are locations of different Disney movies, and Sora works with the characters we love and fights the villains we love to hate.

Fun gameplay (especially in the sequel) combined with great writing made this an awesome experience for me. With Goofy as a tank and Donald as a mage, the fun never ends. The series has kept going, making games for the Ninendo DS, PSP, and 3D (whatever that is). I only hope they'll make a third, and I hope I can put it in my dusty PS2.

8) Jimmy Hopkins, Bully (PS2)

Jimmy (left) defends a nerd.

  From the people who brought you Grand Theft Auto: GTA Jr. Also know as Bully, this fun yet controversial game followed young badass Jimmy Hopkins as he gained a reputation at his horrid new boarding school, Bullworth Academy. The "cliques" operate more like gangs: nerds hang out at the library and have fun weaponry, greasers hang by the garage, and jocks will tackle you if you mess with them.

Not all mission were as fun as others, but Bully gave us a great protagonist with Jimmy. He wasn't afraid to let everyone know what he was thinking and always stood up to anyone who handed him shit, student and teacher alike. Basically he was the guy you wanted to be in a rough school like this. He was also a unique character in the way that his sexuality was fluid, as he could flirt and kiss select male students as well as his "girlfriends", something yet to be featured in a GTA game. Get on that, Rockstar.

9) Alice, American McGee's Alice (PC)

This is a poster in my room. No joke.

 Better late than never, I got into the dark computer game American McGee's Alice. In this twisted version of Alice in Wonderland, Alice was a mental patient and Wonderland had transformed into a nightmarish hell infested with evil beings. Armed with her trusty knife and aided by the skeletal Chesire Cat, Alice sliced her way through card soldiers, banshees, the Mad Hatter and others before finally having a confrontation with the dreaded Queen of Hearts.

I'm not a big fan of action games on the computer, but this game is so freaking gorgeous it doesn't matter. Seriously, the design factor alone is enough to overlook a few of the more difficult portions and the tricky camera work. Alice is deliciously dry and sarcastic though, so that's always a plus. I own the sequel but have not gotten around to playing it a whole lot yet. But I have time...

10) The Grey Warden and Hawke, Dragon Age Origins and Dragon Age 2 (PC)

A Mage Warden casting a lightning spell.

 My latest craze has been the Dragon Age series. I never played a real RPG before and it took me a while to get into it, but I am officially hooked. In the first game you played the Warden, a character you design and name and pick an origin (they can be an Elf from the woods, or Dwarven royalty, among others). Then it's your duty to save the Kingdom of Fereldan from the impending blight. A fun cast of characters, both good and evil, contribute to epic battles and literally hours of fun.

Hawke kills an enemy in Dragon Age 2.

In the sequel, you play Hawke, a young man or woman who flees Fereldan during the events of the first game. While the backstory is always the same, more or less, you hero is fully voiced (unlike the original), giving a more movie-like feel to the series. While the party members may not be AS fun as the original cast (Sebastian downright sucks) the game is still wicked fun. I've already given it one playthrough and cannot wait to return.

Whew! Alright, so that's my life in video games. And I've got years left to go! Cannot wait. I should mentioned I have an on/off addiction to The Sims which has been "off" for a few years now. Still, they lay around the house taunting me sometimes. But I resist. Thank you.