Legitimate Honey Boo Boo (Let's Talk About Idiots)

 I have never claimed to be terribly intelligent. I wouldn't say I'm an idiot, but I couldn't explain why the sky is blue or do your taxes for you. I call this blog "the fool speaks" for a reason; it's the ramblings of someone who graduated in the middle of his class and has no clue what he's doing. What scares me is that while I consider myself a fool, I recognize that the world is full of people dumber than I am. And this week, those people seem to be everywhere.

We'll start with latest media frenzy Todd Akin. If you don't know, Mr. Akin is in the House of Representatives for Missouri. During a recent interview about pro-life and pro-choice issues, Mr. Akin declared that pregnancies from rape were "really rare" and that "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down." That "whole thing" he's referring to would be conception.

The Fool would like to point out...this is incorrect. If the female body could just turn off the ability to conceive simply because the woman doesn't want to, then there wouldn't be a show called 16 and Pregnant.

Through the beautiful magic of the internet, everyone went wild against Mr. Akin's ridiculous statements. "Where can I get my rape illegitimized?" Highlights on my Twitter feed go to comedian Anthony Jeselnik (Todd Akin makes perfect sense if you replace 'legitimate' with 'anal') and comedian Jen Kirkman (starting a riot grrl band called Legitimate Rape). But I would be remiss if I didn't mention a fellow WVU Theater Alum named Taylor Ferrera. Currently residing in New York, Taylor writes many hilarious political songs and puts them up on youtube, and her latest hit "Legitimate Rape" has received quite a bit of attention. Go check it out!

Comedy aside, here's what's upsetting about Mr. Akin's comments. This man is in his 60's. He has served in the House of Representatives for over 10 years. He is doing incredibly well financially, I'm sure, and I assume also has a loving family. All this, and he doesn't know how conception works. Or perhaps he DOES know how conception works, but chooses not to believe to make a case for his anti-abortion cause. Abortion, by the way, is an issue 60 year old men shouldn't be worrying about.

But enough about dumb politicians. Let's talk about dumb television, my favorite thing in the world to talk about. Lately one of the more popular reality shows called Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. A spinoff of Toddlers and Tiaras, the titular character is a 6 year old "beauty contestant" living in Georgia with her "Mama", papa, and three sisters.

I discovered this show because it was on my own mother's DVR. In the first place, I always argue with her about Toddlers and Tiaras, and child beauty pageants as a whole. Actually, I hate all beauty pageants. In my eyes a beauty pageant is just another way of telling a girl/woman "if you look pretty, smile pretty, and talk nice people will love you. Don't worry about doing anything with your life." Pageant fans probably disagree with me, but fuck off. I just don't see how any contest with a swimsuit competition can fill its competitors with self respect.

Isn't she precious? Or is she looking for "my.....precious....."?

I digress. So I already believe Toddlers and Tiaras is awful, forcing little girls to dress up, put on makeup, wave like creepy ass little animatronics on the "It's a Small World" ride...seriously, who is that helping? The girls become brats, the parents become pussies...blech. But anyway, some little cute chubster with a strong southern accent apparently graced the stage and TLC decided to follow her family home.

I think doing "quick math" would be like doing calculus for this woman.

Now let's get real: people watch this show (Honey Boo Boo) because the family is trash. They tune to make fun of the fact that the whole family needs subtitles even though they all speak English or to count how many chins Mama has. The family buys a pig named "Glitzy", Mama hoards paper towels and other products in the pantry...I'd list more but this is about as much as I could stomach.

Also, her eldest daughter (17) is pregnant. If you've been reading this whole thing, you'll know that means her rape was NOT legitimate.

My own mama has pointed out that Honey Boo Boo's father, Sugar Bear (I know. I know.) drives a pretty nice truck for being poor white trash. Her point being, these people are probably compensated very well for doing this reality show. I agreed: this family has basically sold their privacy and respect for money, and if they're fine with that then good for them.

But I just LOVE the irony that a TV company called "The Learning Channel" (or could also stand for "Tender Loving Care") airs a show specifically for it's viewers to point and laugh at. This isn't the first time it's happened, of course, and won't be the last. And I won't pretend I don't laugh at people, but there's something disturbing about doing it as a country. It's like seeing a crazy person on the street; you may nudge your friend and go "look at that crazy person" but you wouldn't shout "LOOK AT THE FREAKING MORON!" and lead the street in a chorus of laughter. Would you?

What's my point of this?
Todd Akin: House of Representative. Running for Senate. Idiot.
Honey Boo Boo: Child beauty pageant contestant. Pig owner. Idiot.
There's nowhere to hide. We should just reverse their roles: Todd could be on a new TLC show called "Legitimately Akin" and Honey Boo Boo could run for senator.