Take a Chance on Missed Connections

At the risk of sounding incredibly shallow, let me just say this: I would love to see myself appear on the “missed connections” page of Craigslist.

Hear me out.

Nothing would make me happier than clicking through those links and seeing a description of me. I just want to know that there’s someone out there willing to put the effort in going online, writing an anonymous description of me, and then sending it for all the world to see in the hopes that I’ll stumble across it. I mean, seriously, it seems like a huge compliment.

I know 98% of those ads are just people cruising for sex, and well done for them for being so bold. I can’t say I’m someone who would ever write the words, “You were a really good waiter, Doug from Olive Garden. Would love to get together sometime and see what else you serve up.” What can I say? I play hard to get.

But some of those people have got to be looking for love. Someone saw me taking a nap on the bus or spilling pizza sauce on my shirt and thought “Wow. That’s the one.” I don’t know why you’d need anything else to go on. You can pretty much guess how a person’s going to be just by watching them. “Oh, he seems cool, he has stains on his clothes and doesn’t give a damn!”

And what a great story to tell your friends when they ask, “how did you guys meet?” You can say “well, I was using the port-a-potty at the street fair and he saw me from across the street. He didn’t say anything, but that night he went on Craigslist and wrote about me in the “missed connections.” Luckily I was on the verge of suicide so I was on Craigslist looking for some fast action. I saw his post and thought “what the hell?” and we agreed to meet in a very public location.”

Then there are the ones that have loved already, and they go to Craigslist as a final plea for their loved one’s heart. “Oh Kyle, (name changed for this story) I miss our long text talks together. The few weeks we’ve known each other have been the best of my life. I wish you’d return my calls, I can’t imagine life without you. We have so much to learn about each other: Our dreams, our biggest fears, our last names. Please call. –XOXO You know who”

Damn it, Kyle, just do it!! DO IT!

Granted, some missed connections seem a bit lazy on behalf of the posters. Like “I sucked you off in the park, you seem like a cool guy, would love to get together some time.” Really? Couldn’t have asked that in person? You’re sucking him in the park, THE ICE HAS BEEN BROKEN. Take a chance on love!

Buy anyway; perhaps I’m just desperate for the attention. But once, just ONCE, I would like to go on Craigslist any random day and discover that I’m reading about myself. I’m not saying I’ll respond; in fact I may change the locks to my house. But it would give a great spring in my step to know that someone cared enough to make a useless gesture on the Internet.

In fact, I may make a posting of my own. Something like this:

“You were reading my blog the other day. You probably found it by accident, or perhaps you’re just a virus going around. Anyway, I seem like a cool guy and you’d like to get to know me better, but you’re too shy. Or maybe you read the rest of my postings and thought, “he’s a lunatic”. Either way I encourage you to take the first step. Send me a reply with your name, age, and stats (height, weight, level of attractiveness).”

What? I’m not that desperate.

Future Cult Classic: Hamlet 2

I'm bringing back an idea I had a while ago: talking about films I love that I think may gain some recognition years after they were released. I started with RV, a film constantly shown on TBS. And while I like RV well enough, let's move on to a film I adore: Hamlet 2.

Hamlet 2 is the product of Andrew Fleming, who brought us The Craft and Threesome and Pam Brady, a writer for South Park.  The story is about a high school theater director, Dana Marschz (played by the severely underrated Steve Coogan), who desperately needs to make money for the theater program or the school board will cut it. Sound like a tired and familiar storyline? Well it turns out that in the less-than-happening town of Tuscon, Arizona, no one really cares if theater gets cut.

With a class suddenly full (lots of other arts classes were cut, so many students were forced to take theater for an arts credit), Dana decides to write and mount his own production: a sequel to Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Sounds stupid right? Well that's kind of the point. Hamlet 2 is an absurd concept and an absurd movie. Take it too seriously and you won't find it funny at all. We never learn what's actually going on in Dana's play because we only see snippets of it. It involves Hamlet going back in time to undo Ophelia and everyone else's death. This time machine is given to him by (wait for it) Jesus, who apparently feels bad about what Hamlet had to go through.

Sounds like a movie built around shock value, right?  Well that's only half-true. While Dana's play involves a lot of risque material, we don't see much of it, so the film itself doesn't rely on cheap gags. Here are some of the reasons why Hamlet 2 deserves more recognition.

1. This has got to be Steve Coogan's greatest role

I'll be honest; Dana Marschz would probably be painful to watch if anyone else were playing him. If he's done too seriously, he'd be boring. If he was too over-the-top (like Jim Carrey or Will Ferrell) he'd be annoying. But Steve Coogan is simply amazing as Dana. He's a very passionate and eccentric man, but you never get annoyed with him. Mostly because his life sucks: his wife is a bitch, his job is a joke, and he's a recovering alcoholic. Even though you may not agree with his methods, you just want Dana to succeed because he has nothing else going for him. He's a loveable loser, through and through.


2. The supporting adult cast is solid

While Coogan and his students dominate most of the screentime, the rest of the characters in Dana's life are just as entertaining. First of is Catherine Keener as Dana's wife Brie. Brie isn't kind to Dana and for the most part he doesn't notice or care. Her delivery is so cute and bitchy you can't help but laugh. A highlight is when Dana, Brie, and roommate Gary (a quiet David Arquette) are at a Mexican restaurant and Bree proposes a toast: "To Dana, my loving husband...what the fuck was I thinking?" It's a simple line, but Keener's drunken delivery makes me laugh every time.

Then there's Amy Poehler, a comedy goddess who was just on the edge of huge populairty when this film was made. Poehler plays Dana's determined and dirty-talking attorney Cricket Feldstein (if you're wondering about the "Feldstein", she married a Jeew). She only appears in a few scenes, but has some really great lines and, really, Amy Poehler just automatically makes a film better.

And finally we have Elisabeth Shue playing herself. In the film, Shue has retired from acting and is working as a nurse. Like the high school students in the film, I never heard of Elisabeth Shue before but I LOVED that this actress was in a movie that made tons of pot shots at herself. Dana angrily lists off her movies to his class "Karate Kid?!? Adventures in Babysiting?!? Dreamer with that fucking horse?!??" but still no one knows her. I officially love this actress for this movie and jump at the chance to see her in things.

3. The kids in the play are great as well
What's great about these kids in the film are that most of them don't really care if the arts get cut. This isn't Fame: these kids are just trying to get their arts credit, damnit. From "bad boy" Octavio (Joseph Julian Soria) to jokester Chuy (Michael Esparza) to "cool girl" Ivonne (indie queen Melonie Diaz), these kids offer a great foil to the overeager Dana. Mix in the unlucky Yolanda (Natalie Amenula) who constantly gets hit in the head and the stoner Vitamin J (Arnie Pantoja) and Dana has quite the team to work with.

Standing out from this crowd are Dana's "star" pupils, Epiphany and Rand (played by Spring Awakening stars Phoebe Stole and Skylar Astin). Both are the acting kids no one wants to meet: they're kiss-asses, over-dramatic, and think way too much of themselves. And they're also a little bit racist (Epiphany states "I keep praying in my circle group for more tolerance, but I'm still uncomfortable around ethnics.") These two are easily the funniest of the group of kids, and their vocal skills are wonderfully shown off when Hamlet 2 finally is shown onscreen.

4. The film is basically a giant "fuck you" to other high school theater movies

When I saw this movie in theaters, I was a theater major in college. While my best friend and I loved it (I never laughed so hard) I found a lot of other people, mostly acting majors, did not. And I think the reason is, it's the exact opposite of what they want people to see. Both Dana and his theater pupils are seens as losers by the rest of the world. While Dana claims he wants to make art, he unfortunately relies on cliches such as his personal feelings towards his father and the ever present shock value. The portrayal in this film can make theater people come across as losers, douchebags, and people you may not want to be around.

But that is why I love it so. Because after four years of theater school, let me just say that not everyone is as cool as Jennifer Lawrence. There are plenty of douchebags in the field who need to be taken down a peg or two, and Hamlet 2 does that successfully with it's portrayal. Side note to my acting friends: I don't think you guys suck. I just want you to acknowledge the people who do. Love ya.

5. The last half hour is just perfect
So after a big buildup we finally get to see various scenes of Hamlet 2 and holy crap is it great.  Don't try to follow a plot, because it makes little to no sense. We start with a humorous number, "Raped in the Face" which features the main cast singing lines such as "I know the topic of rape isn't nice/don't bring it up when you're breaking the ice". From then we go on to the show-stopping "Rock Me Sexy Jesus", a number based on the fact that if Jesus were to come back in modern times he would have to sell himself as a celebrity. The song is catchy, offensive, and hilarious all at once. Plus the great vocals by Strole and Astin (who would eventually do Pitch Perfect and 21 and Over) are the cherry on top.

The play ends with Hamlet going back in time, preventing the death of his mother and lover, and then battling his enemy in a harness that flies over the stage. All this is set to the musical's background accompanists, the gay men's chorus of Tuscon, as they sing "Someone Saved My Life Tonight." It's beautiful.

So there we have it: one of my all-time favorite movies that most people don't know/care about. Hopefully my raving reviews mixed with these clips have interested you in giving it a chance.

I'd also like to do other movies people consider "future cult classics". I have my own list, but I'd like to hear input from you readers. If I haven't seen something I'll happily view it and give it the treatment I just did. So leave me a comment, y'all.