Greetings, and happy Friday the 13th.
My name is Be$%#@$%(*FEET%@$^&*. You probably can't pronounce that, but you can refer to me as Lester. I am a devil. Not THE devil, but A devil. Allow me to elaborate.
I used to live in (or possibly near) the land known as Prague. I was a marionette, and for you who may not know what that is, it is a form of puppet. Not like those annoying Muppets that have tainted the name of puppetry, but a puppet you operate using a string system to move their arms and legs. Like that film Pinocchio or that disgustingly cheerful song in The Sound of Music portraying men that fall in love with goats.
Anyway, Prague (or somewhere near it) was a lovely land where I lived with a little family of marionettes and our manipulator, Heimlich. Heimlich loved us all, but that didn't stop him from selling us to tourists. I had watched so many of my loved ones leave me, each one a different shape, size, and color. No two of use looked exactly alike. I had grown to care for my little family and had I any tear ducts would have wept upon being sold.
I don't know how long I remained in the suitcase. Possibly just for a few days, possibly a whole week. I remember getting a nosebleed; I assume that was when I was on the airplane. First time flier! When I was finally unpacked I was abruptly attacked by four cats. I thought "this must be some sort of shelter" but no, there are actually four cats in this house. When you're a marionette, cats are public enemy number one.
I was given as a gift and taken upstairs to a little room away from the cats. I now sit on a desk next to a large computer. My only other companion is a stuffed cow with a black t-shirt that says "RENT" on it. We don't talk much. I have come to realize: I'm in America.
I haven't seen much of America. Actually I've just seen this room. I've learned a few things though. Apparently, in America there is no water or beer: just Diet Coke. Or at least, that's all this human drinks. Some days I can't see over the wall of empty cans in front of my face. Not that there's much to see anyway. This human sleeps at least 12 hours a day. He wakes up at 5 am, leaves for four hours, comes back, sleeps for another 3. I mean, I'm a puppet but I move more than he does.
But I suppose I shouldn't complain. He talks to me sometimes. And he practices trying to make me move. He's quite good; so far I can wave "hello" with my left hand while doing absolutely nothing else.
Little does he know I can move on my own, and whenever he goes to his alleged "jobs" I get onto his computer and take over. I have bought a good deal of useless merchandise on Amazon.com and have set up my own Facebook account (friend me!). I think I'm going to like it here. And if I don't...I'll just have to take it over....ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Just kidding.
Or am I?
No, I am.
Right?
Sleep with one eye open.
That's the eye I'll rip out of its socket.
Happy Friday the 13th.
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