Why A Christmas Story is So Fudging Good

Merry Christmas Everybody (or if you don't celebrate, happy hump day).


I'm typing this out on my ma's iPad, and I have no idea how these few pics I have are going to turn out. But to the left is a pic of our Christmas tree I took last night I wanted to share. And yeah, it's real.

We just did presents and now my ma, sister, and I are sitting around while A Christmas Story plays in the background. This movie is insanely popular, loved by mostly everyone including myself. Now I'm somewhat of a Scrooge; while I don't necessarily hate Christmas I don't really get excited about it. I loathe the many thousands of Lifetime TV Movies about white women falling in love around the holidays, and I don't even watch the old stop-motion classics. So why is A Christmas Story my one exception?

There are the obvious reasons, the reasons everyone loves the film: the classic scenes (leg lamps), the quotable lines ("he looks like a pink nightmare!"), the sweet subtle feel of the whole thing. It's incredibly well-written and perfectly cast. But I think what makes the movie so magical is the actual total lack of magic. There are no miracles, Santa Claus isn't real, and Ralphie never learns the true meaning of Christmas. It is quite possibly the most realistic holiday movie ever.

Take Ralphie: he isn't a cute kid who is totally in love with Christmas. He's like one of the "bad" kids in an animated feature, whose mind is solely on presents. And Ralphie is kind of a jerk; he's mean to his little brother, abandons a friend stuck to a metal pole, blames another friend for teaching him the F word...he's not a little angel to say the least.

But Ralphie isn't a bad kid; he's a normal kid that sometimes does bad things. And while he sometimes gets away with them, karma has a way of making him pay for it ("Be Sure to Drink Your Ovaltine"). His constant small-scale struggle with being a child combines with his overactive imagination is what makes Ralphie such a lovable character.

What else makes this film so great is that there is no clear message, like "Rudolph" (it's okay to be different) or "It's a Wonderful Life" (appreciate what you have, don't kill yourself). A Christmas Story shows us a typical family Christmas, for better or worse. While Ralphie goes through some troubles, there is no "laying it on thick" scene where a parental figure gives him encouragement. The emotional climax for Ralph is when he finally snaps and assaults the neighborhood bully, in one of the most satisfying movie beat downs of all time. His mom pulls him off, takes him home, cleans him up, and covers for him in front of his father. And that's that. A quiet and super real handling of a situation. A Christmas Story is like an alternative comic's Christmas movie in the way that it doesn't feel like any other kind of holiday film.

The movie is also a great way to transition a child from a believer-in-magic to a wise cynic. Case in point, one of the film's antagonists is Santa Claus. Here Santa is a pissed off, almost sadistic mall Santa whose maniacal "Ho. Ho. Ho." is so devoid of anything resembling Christmas cheer. His denial of Ralphie's request for a BB gun is the twist; in all other movies Santa would be the one to save the day,  but here our hero's "last hope" fails him. But as we know, the Old Man (Ralphie's dad) gets him the gun anyway. So even as we see Santa himself denying a kid, we also see that sometimes things work out anyway, even if it's as simple as the gruff dad giving his son a BB gun. Of course, that pesky karma (or perhaps just simple irony) gets in the way and Ralphie almost immediately shoots his eye out.

The real beautiful moments of A Christmas Story don't stand out us much as the telephone pole scene, or the Santa, or "Mommy's little Piggy", etc. It's the simple moments where the family just sits around and enjoys life. Like in the real world, after the presents are opened the Christmas high is gone. As Ralphie sits with his parents on the couch after opening presents they reflect. The Old Man asks Ralphie if he got everything he wanted, to which Ralph says "Almost." The Old Man replies "Almost, huh? Well that's life." although we know he's got the gun Ralph desires. And that is a beautiful moment, a life lesson and an act of love in less than 30 seconds. The Old Man says that sure, life is disappointing but sometimes good things can happen, especially if you've got a family who loves you.

That being said, I'm going to enjoy my time with the family who loves me. Everybody have a great Christmas/holiday time today!

Christmas Time is Apparently NOT about Being Nice to People

Thanksgiving morning I woke up at 8 AM, as I am prone to doing, and went out to my parents' living room. I flicked on the TV and tuned in to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC. I pick NBC because they show performances from current hits on Broadway, and I like seeing what's going on there.

The musicals perform before the actual parade footage starts, as sort of a pre-show type thing. This year featured numbers from Motown: The Musical, Matilda, Kinky Boots, and Pippin. The performances varied: I found Motown to be a boring concept, and I have no real interest in Matilda or Pippin. But I remember watching Kinky Boots (a show I heard about but knew very little) and thinking "hey, this is actually kind of cute."

And life went on, as did the parade. It had all the classics; marching bands, giant balloons, floats with music stars doing bad lip-synch...all the things we've come to expect. There were cameos from my childhood, namely the Power Rangers and the Ninja Turtles. It was a fun time.

Then today what news am I greeted with by the internet? People are outraged, OUTRAGED that Macy's allowed a performance of Kinky Boots, a show featuring drag queens, to air during the parade.  People were bombarding Macy's Facebook page with horrible comments.

And I lost my mind.

Now granted, anyone who goes on to a business' facebook page to complain about something is an idiot child. If you end a post with "I guess I won't be shopping there anymore", you're a loser. But these people, people who claim to be defenders of Christmas, are just hateful.

This is about Christmas, a time everyone pretends to celebrate peace on earth and good will towards men. Unless of course those men are dressed as women, in which case "EW GET THESE FAGGOTS OFF MY TV SCREEN!" Christmas isn't for everyone, people: you have to be one of the good ones.

I just love how easily people think Christmas gets attacked. "OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO SAY 'HAPPY HOLIDAYS' NOW?!? WHAT'S HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY??" And anytime someone brings up the "War on Christmas" I get a searing pain in my forehead, because there is no such thing as a war on Christmas. Even if there were, Christmas is still celebrated by well over half the country so there is no danger of "losing" the war. But goodness, people just love to play the victim don't they? It's hard to be a part of the most popular religion in the world, isn't it?

I won't make this about religion, although I firmly believe that is the crux of this "outrage". The major complaint from the good people of Facebook is "HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN THIS TO OUR CHILDREN?!?" That's very simple. You tell them that sometimes men dress as women and perform comedy routines for people. Because that's, um, the truth.

And can I just say, who cares about the children? I think people focus entirely too much on what "the children" are exposed to. Now if Macy's featured Santa Claus fucking a reindeer, I'd probably agree that was scarring to children. But no one did that. It was a little drag performance that could be explained in the sentence I gave above. No one said you had to explain to your kids any intricate details about sex, because there was nothing sexual about it. Just watch the number and move on to the giant floating Spongebob.

If you've never been to a drag show or met a drag queen and think they're disgusting, let me tell you something: they're not. They're human beings who are being themselves and doing what they love to do, and they deserve the right to be happy and celebrate the holidays too. There is nothing "anti-family" about a drag queen. They're actually fun; that's the point, see? They're entertainers.

And don't tell me that was an inappropriate performance. If those slutty Rockettes get dragged out into the cold year after year to kick their legs up in the air wearing no pants, then we can see a few drag queens in fabulous costumes. Men can be beautiful too.

Now I can't say I'm that surprised, really. People disagree about all sorts of things. Over my 24-hour stay with my family I was reprimanded for cursing and for telling a story about a time I got drunk. I am 24 years old and, frankly, living a healthy and safe life. But I'm not an exact version of the person people want me to be and that upsets them. But I don't care. I say "fuck" a lot and I occasionally drink. I'm still a good person, I think, and I don't hurt people. Nor do I expect other people to become who I want them to be.

And that's the issue with the parade. Some people didn't like what they saw with Kinky Boots but instead of just saying "well that was stupid" they go on a long temper tantrum about everything that is "wrong" with American and how "disgusted" and "ashamed" they are of Macy's and NBC. There are many things on TV I don't like, namely reality shows on E! and most half-hour sitcoms on right now. But because I don't like something that doesn't make it bad; as long as it isn't hurting anything what should I care what people watch?

Ironically, the actual number Kinky Boots performed had a lot to say about accepting others for who they are. And that's kind of what God/Jesus/Allah/Whoever would want you to do right? Everyone gets to celebrate holidays, including gays and transgender people. If you disagree with that, I have horrible news: you're on the wrong side of humanity. So why not take a page from Kinky Boots script and try to accept people for who they are this Christmas? And then keep accepting all year round. Because I think that's what decent people should be doing.

So, I applaud Macy's and NBC for allowing Kinky Boots to perform. As cheesy as Macy's Christmas commercials can get, their decision to be an inclusive and non-discriminating company shows that they really do grasp the concept of what the holidays should be like. This was not some political statement, no one is "lecturing" anybody (well, I'm lecturing right now). It's an award-winning musical and it was supposed to be fun. And for those of us with hearts, it was.

I'm sure I'll blog again soon, but in the meantime HAPPY HOLIDAYS FUCKERS.