I Sing Because I'm Cranky

If you've ever had to work a customer service job with me then you're probably aware of this fact: I sing. I sing a lot. To myself. Could be anything: folk, pop, jazz, rock, the occasional show tune and, of course, "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes. A good many coworkers have expressed annoyance at this habit (which is fair). So lately I've begun to ask myself: why the hell do I do this?

I have no aspirations to be a singing performer, and if you've ever heard my voice you'll know that's a fortunate thing. I don't even sing karaoke, because it's not endearing to me in any way. So why do I act like I'm rehearsing for my summer tour opening for an American Idol runner-up?

I've come up with this hypothesis: I sing to keep myself from going postal.

I've skimmed a few articles about how singing all the time is good for you mentally and emotionally, the equivalence to starting your day with a cup of coffee and all that (my therapist confirmed this study for me this morning). That's comforting, but really you can google any topic and find a hundred articles to support your claim. Although the other day I googled "Is it okay to pour bacon grease down the sink if you run water from the faucet?" and it turns out NO, that is still NOT okay by anyone's standards.

The fact that I work somewhere where Pandora radio plays all the time is probably a good reason why there's always a song in my head. I've actually grown accustomed to hearing "Pumped Up Kicks" on a daily basis. The truth is I have to listen to a good bit of complaints at work, ranging from the temperature in the building to the size of the free cup you get when you get tap water with your lunch. Nothing too awful, really, but after a while you just gotta let loose with a few choruses of "Faith" (covered by Lake Street Dive). It restores your...faith...that not everyone in the world needs to be set on fire.

Sure it's a bit dramatic, but I like to think annoying my coworkers with song will cut down on my annoying them with angry complaints. Ultimately NO OF COURSE IT DOESN'T. I can always find something to complain about and I will. Sometimes the only thing keeping me from rolling my eyes aggressively at customers is to sing "Pirate Jenny" to myself, and imagine being the protagonist in that song who orders the execution of the patrons who were rude to her. See? That's totally healthy.

So am I healthier for singing all the time? Maybe. Am I healthier for eating a salad in bed at 10 PM while watching Teen Wolf? I certainly hope so. But I shall keep singing all the time. Because it's far too late to get diagnosed/medicated for ADD, and because it makes me feel good when I want to be elsewhere. So I'll paraphrase that old hymn:

I sing because I'm cranky
I sing because I'm pissed
My eye is on the time clock
And I can't wait to be done of this

I'll leave you with Mahalia Jackson singing the real version. Keep singing, crabasses!

5 Things I learned from Retail

By the time I put this post up, I will be halfway through my 2 weeks notice for a department store I have spent the last 2 years working at. Now don't get too excited for me; I'm just replacing one part-time job with another. But the new job is easier to travel to and in a nice neighborhood so I'm anxious to start it.

The department store I worked at was a constant source of jokes, pictures, and stories for me. Sure, I complained about it (I complain about most things) and I never thought I'd do a whole 2 years there. But all in all I think I'll look back on working there fondly, remembering the good times I had or maybe just the weird things I saw.

Here are 5 things I'm going to take away from my years in retail:

1. A Job is a Job
 I learned years ago (when I worked for peanuts at a Rite Aid) not to judge people by what job they have. I fear that it has become very easy for people of my generation who went to college to automatically judge people that work behind counters. I understand why: you have a degree that you allegedly worked hard for and you think that's earned you a feeling of superiority. Well it shouldn't; the fact that you went to college most likely stems from the fact that your parents had money and/or you had decent grades. Big deal, that doesn't make you a better person.

Very few people in this world choose retail as their ideal career, but they do what they have to do to get by. And getting by is hard, too. And I don't mean "no money for pizza this week" hard, I mean like actually struggling to make ends meet. I'm not preaching, just saying that for a (hypothetical) snotty grad student to judge a cashier who's just trying to feed her kids is fucked up.

2. People are Nuts
Here's something we all know, but those of us in retail truly see it: the general public is insane. And I don't mean just mentally insane (although I have stories of that too) I mean downright weird. People who line up at the department store doors at 9:30 to wait for it to open? Go do something else. It ain't Disneyworld, there's very little to see.


I have seen some crazy things. We had a woman who liked to yell at the sidewalk outside, then would come in the store and yell at the socks. Another older woman was sitting in the shoe department as my friend and I were leaving the store. As we passed she said, loudly, "I'm just waiting for my bird!". We kept walking without breaking stride, because you shouldn't bother a woman who's waiting indoors for her bird.

3. I Cannot Take Meetings Seriously
Probably one of my least favorite things about working for a corporate retail store is the inane customer service meetings we are forced to sit through. I get the purpose, kind of. But the "themes" and little slogans they come up with just shows that whoever's getting paid the "big bucks" has little to no knowledge on how to talk to real people.


The last customer service meeting I had to go to was on how to make a presence. We were asked "what are the ways you can say "hi" on the sales floor?"" Asking someone how to say "hi" is not a question for an adult human. We all know how to say hi. The meeting could easily be "talk to the customers more" and that's the end of it. But it has to be strung out for 20 minutes as we all mumble out different responses.

Oh yeah, and I giggle during these meetings. Because they're lame. And lame things make me giggle. Which in turn makes me look like an asshole.  


4. Always Wash Things When You Buy from a Store
Listen, I'm not a germaphobe or anything but...you should wash all clothes before wearing them. I mean really. I drop things constantly. Unfortunately it's usually glassware. But I've also dropped clothing onto the floor of the dirty stock room. Where people walk. I've also been surprised by an unexpected sneeze and covered the clothes I was folding in my spit. Shit happens. Just wash your clothes before wearing them. 

5. Christmas is NOT the most Wonderful Time of the Year
Show me someone who claims to enjoy the holiday season and I'll show you someone who's never worked a day in retail. What's to love? The overstocked backrooms, the never-ending supply of customers, longer hours but no extra money...and the music. Oh the Christmas music day after day for a solid month is enough to drive anyone insane. My least favorite was always "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime" and I am so thankful I'll never have to hear that song again.

 So that's that. I'm looking forward to starting something different now. I will miss my coworkers, who have been great characters that kept me from total mind-numbing shutdown these last few years. However I eagerly await a new adventure which will hopefully supply me with new stories.

Here's to new jobs!