Take a Chance on Missed Connections

At the risk of sounding incredibly shallow, let me just say this: I would love to see myself appear on the “missed connections” page of Craigslist.

Hear me out.

Nothing would make me happier than clicking through those links and seeing a description of me. I just want to know that there’s someone out there willing to put the effort in going online, writing an anonymous description of me, and then sending it for all the world to see in the hopes that I’ll stumble across it. I mean, seriously, it seems like a huge compliment.

I know 98% of those ads are just people cruising for sex, and well done for them for being so bold. I can’t say I’m someone who would ever write the words, “You were a really good waiter, Doug from Olive Garden. Would love to get together sometime and see what else you serve up.” What can I say? I play hard to get.

But some of those people have got to be looking for love. Someone saw me taking a nap on the bus or spilling pizza sauce on my shirt and thought “Wow. That’s the one.” I don’t know why you’d need anything else to go on. You can pretty much guess how a person’s going to be just by watching them. “Oh, he seems cool, he has stains on his clothes and doesn’t give a damn!”

And what a great story to tell your friends when they ask, “how did you guys meet?” You can say “well, I was using the port-a-potty at the street fair and he saw me from across the street. He didn’t say anything, but that night he went on Craigslist and wrote about me in the “missed connections.” Luckily I was on the verge of suicide so I was on Craigslist looking for some fast action. I saw his post and thought “what the hell?” and we agreed to meet in a very public location.”

Then there are the ones that have loved already, and they go to Craigslist as a final plea for their loved one’s heart. “Oh Kyle, (name changed for this story) I miss our long text talks together. The few weeks we’ve known each other have been the best of my life. I wish you’d return my calls, I can’t imagine life without you. We have so much to learn about each other: Our dreams, our biggest fears, our last names. Please call. –XOXO You know who”

Damn it, Kyle, just do it!! DO IT!

Granted, some missed connections seem a bit lazy on behalf of the posters. Like “I sucked you off in the park, you seem like a cool guy, would love to get together some time.” Really? Couldn’t have asked that in person? You’re sucking him in the park, THE ICE HAS BEEN BROKEN. Take a chance on love!

Buy anyway; perhaps I’m just desperate for the attention. But once, just ONCE, I would like to go on Craigslist any random day and discover that I’m reading about myself. I’m not saying I’ll respond; in fact I may change the locks to my house. But it would give a great spring in my step to know that someone cared enough to make a useless gesture on the Internet.

In fact, I may make a posting of my own. Something like this:

“You were reading my blog the other day. You probably found it by accident, or perhaps you’re just a virus going around. Anyway, I seem like a cool guy and you’d like to get to know me better, but you’re too shy. Or maybe you read the rest of my postings and thought, “he’s a lunatic”. Either way I encourage you to take the first step. Send me a reply with your name, age, and stats (height, weight, level of attractiveness).”

What? I’m not that desperate.

Craigslist and Invisible Me

This may come as a surprise to you, but there are a lot of freaks on Craigslist. If you have some downtime (and if you're reading this, you have downtime) click over to Craigslist and click away at the rent ads or the personals. Remember if a personals posting has "picture" next to it, you may wanna click at your own risk.

Lately I've been trying to find myself a cheap room, so I've turned to Craigslist on more than one occasion. I tend to overlook some of the "shadier" postings and I have managed to find a few cool rooms. It's a matter of avoiding people who seem a bit...off...

Take for instance one poster who was looking for a "semi nude roommate". As in, he wanted a roommate he could be comfortable being naked in front of, since he doesn't always wear a towel out of the shower and things like that. Granted, for most people this would be called a "deal-breaker". I could tolerate semi-nudeness, I think, but not as the crux of the advertisement. The poster made no mention of utilities or location...just "hey, I get naked. That cool?" That depends, who's paying for electricity? You are?!? Hell yeah it's cool, let's see it.

I'm kidding.

But today I had a fairly sketchy encounter as the Universe told me to stop looking at Craigslist for a bit. Today I went to look at a house with a room available. The rent was super cheap so I jumped on it. I spoke to the man 'selling' the room, Max, last night on the phone. He informed me that he, his son, and two other men lived in the house and there were three Cocker Spaniels. I was already half convinced I did not want this room, but decided to go for shits and giggles.

So today I hopped on a bus and took a brisk 20 minute walk to this house. It was in a clean enough neighborhood and the house itself was pretty decent-looking, if maybe a bit dirty. I get up on the porch and the big front door is open but the little 'screen' door isn't. I knocked and sent the three dogs (knew I had the right place) into a barking frenzy. Yet no one came to the door.

I stood on the porch a bit and eventually a man came off from the street and let the dogs out. He was petting them and he knew their names, so I relaxed a bit. Before I could try to introduce myself, Max came out of the house. Max was an older man, in his 60's, and he looked a bit "disheveled" and had a slow way of speaking.

Max and the guy from the street (let's call him John) proceeded to have a conversation RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and neither of them bothered to introduce themselves to me. So I stood there, nodding along like I was a part of this lovely porch chat. Eventually John told Max he would take the dogs for a walk around the block and he'd be back soon. Max said "alright, I'll be working in the yard." and went right back into the house, leaving me on the porch.

I was, you might guess, confused.

Who doesn't say anything to a stranger on their porch? I could have shot them both! I felt like I just wandered into some scene in a play that I wasn't supposed to be in. After Max went inside I looked around, thinking maybe there was a hidden camera across the street or something. Then I really started to panic: had I finally turned invisible? I looked at my own hands in disbelief. I couldn't be invisible; the bus had stopped for me.

The whole day I was trying not to be a wimp about everything (the neighborhood wasn't really one I'd pick). But finally I just had to face facts. I told myself "This isn't the place for you. It's in a kinda shitty area, it's a long walk to your bus, there are 3 dogs here that will always be barking, and the guy who owns the place can't SEE you. Move on."

And so I did. I just awkwardly left the porch and walked back to my bus stop. By the time I reached the end of the street I was giggling at how absurd that had been. I came home, removed the number from my phone, and marked dear Max as "spam" in my email.

What's my moral here? For one thing, Craigslist isn't all bad. But, like everything else, eventually something bad (or just less good) will come your way. Just make sure you go in the daylight and bring a large knife.