Coming in Last is still a Victory, right?

Alright so today has been a long day. I didn't have to work either of my jobs, so what do I do? I do the Pittsburgh Challenge, that's what.

The "race" is part of a Challenge Nation series that sets up all sorts of "Amazing Race"-esque challenges in cities all over the country. It's really a neat little system. Teams of anywhere from 2 to whatever run around the city trying to find different "clues" and take pictures with landmarks or people on the street. Can't use cars or taxis or bikes...just feet and public transport (a.k.a. buses). A couple weeks ago my cousin suggest we (me, my cousin, her husband, and my sister) form a team and compete. I agreed, since it sounded like a good time since we'd all be together (they all live out of town).

Well race day came and my cousin, her husband, and their kids were ALLLL sick. So our team quickly forged itself of me, my sister Sadie, and her friend Sarah. I had not learned any of the rules or anything, since I figured my cousin would know, so I learned as much as I could in the 12 hours before the race.

Our team assembled and signed in. Sade and Sarah were in a very ridiculous mood. "slaphappy" is too light a word. "Idiotic" sounds harsh. But think along those lines. We ate lunch near the starting line (Jerome Bettis Grille 36) and after laughing ourselves to tears over nothing funny at all, I made a Facebook posting: "We are screwed".

And then the race began. We were a tad late leaving from lunch, but honestly it didn't matter. People were running full speed as soon as we started. The first five teams get cash prizes and a chance to enter in some bigger race. We didn't think for a second we would be near the first five teams; really we just challenging ourselves to not go home and nap.

So, let's do a photo walk-through of the race, shall we?

1. One of the clues was to take a picture of either a liscence plate from out of town with a W,X,Y, or Z in it or a dog or a live horse or a segway. This was seemed kind of easy, since THE PARKING LOT BY THE RACE WAS FULL OF THE RACERS' CARS, SOME OF WHOM HAD COME FROM OUT OF TOWN. I would like to add that, despite what this picture may look like, I was not high.

2. Another clue was to take a picture of yourself in/near a theater. Well, I happen to work at the Pittsburgh Public Theater so we walked across the bridge into Downtown and...I went to work on my day off. F*ck. I also went to get help with some of the clues from my Pittsburgh-native friends. We got a few results and then pressed on.

3. This one was weird. You had to find a person who lived in a state with an ocean shoreline and then make that shape with your body with them....idk. This was our first usage of my strategy: ride another teams' coattails. This man was from Virginia...so we made Virginia? Trust me, in the end no one cared.

4. Next was to find the Fish Market and try some Cantaloupe Gazpacho. Gazpacho, by the way, is cold soup. Cold soup isn't bad: cantaloupe is disgusting. Those are forced smiles on our faces; we really want to spit out the soup. 

5. This is the train place thing...I really forget the clue. FUN FACT: The police were there to arrest racers for trespassing so everyone had to take a picture like this with the building in the background. I thought it would be funnier to get pics of the police handcuffing/beating/macing us. I was overruled.

6. We next had to find two Furries (there was a Furry convention in town all week) and take a picture with them. Sarah was a bit apprehensive about talking to Furries (it's an unfortunate social stigma) but these two were very nice. I do hate asking people to pose for pictures with us, some people seem annoyed by it. But really, Furries, let's not pretend like you don't want a little extra attention.

At this point we took a totally unnecessary detour through the alley where the Cell Phone Disco is. Then we strolled around the alley for no other reason except for the fact it was shady and cool (it was a hot day). We left when Sarah said the alley "smelled like rape".

7. So...we had to take a picture with someone wearing a college sports team article of clothing, and act out said sport. This nice gentleman happened to see us running strolling leisurely around and offered his services. He asked what they should pretend to do, to which Sarah deliriously said "We could pretend like we're wrestling", followed by about 10 seconds of awkward laughter from our team. We decided that the girls are "tackling" him and he's the quarterback...he was a good sport, to say the least (Get it?!?!?!? SPORT! HA!)

8. We headed to the T (Pittsburgh's answer to the Subway) to return to North Shore. There was a clue where we could make our own picture as long as it pertained to Father's Day. This man had a child. They both look thrilled, don't they?

We got on the T and had a nice little ride where we ran into another team. They were two girls who worked at the Cheesecake factory and this was their first day off in months. The one girl was SHITFACED out of her mind and, holy crap, was it hilarious. I mean really, I died. She talked about one clue where we had to walk into a cascading fountain. She said "I'm going face first into that fountain, I'm gonna tear my freakin' nose off and sue Pittsburgh" and then playfully chewed on her clue sheet. I wanted to be her friend but forgot to exchange numbers. Damn.

9. Ok so there's a cascading fountain near the river, and it's near a landmark where the first World Series was played and we were supposed to walk to the middle and get the skyline in the back...well...the skyline is kinda in the back...and you can see the fountain water...and you can see how many f*cks we give that it's not a great picture. (We don't give any f*cks).

10. We had to find the statue of Mr. Rogers, which was near the start/finish line. His face got cut out of the picture, but let me just say his face is creepy as hell. I mean the statue's face, not Mr. Rogers. Also our faces are getting better and better. You can see I'm holding onto his finger: I took it when we left. I played fetch with a dog in the park with it later. I think Mr. Rogers would have liked that.

11. We employed our favorite rule: follow behind another team by about fifty feet and see what they do. It led us to the statue of The Chief himself, that was part of a clue we were really about to give up on. Yeah.

So we headed back to the "finish" line where there were so many people already done it was pathetic. I signed us in: we placed 280th!!! With a run time of 2 hours, 22 minutes, and 52 seconds! I showed my pictures to the girl to "verify" them to say we got the right pictures. I cannot emphasize this enough: this girl did not give two shits, because we were team 280 and who cares what pictures we have, at least we made it back to the car. I could have shown her pictures of my cats and last week's dinner and she would of been like "ok great, thanks".

Prize for 280th place was a bottle of water and a white t-shirt. I still have my sister's t-shirt. And everybody gets a bottle of water. There were probably (I've been told) a little over 300 teams so...yeah. We get a D- in racing. But oh well, we had a fun time. Perhaps we'll shoot for better next year? We shall see.

Oh, and we got to record our time/team name on the "big red poster" for the world to see. Taking a suggestion from the girls from the lunch we had two and a half hours before, I signed our team name:

The family with kids nearby did not seem amused by this name. Guess how many f*cks we gave?

Jambalaya, Jobs, and June in General

Summer is here friends. I have been out of college for a solid year, and damn it feels like it went by way too fast. But I'm ready to accept that it's here, and boldly can't wait to step into the summer.

My first task in re-associating myself with life was an attempt at cooking again. I can't say I ever cooked frequently, but I used to like to try a new recipe or something from time to time. Lately, however, I have been either working or sleeping so "cooking" now consists of "heating" or "add water and stir". But I had a day off so I turned to my trusty Paula Deen cookbook and looked at a recipe for Jambalaya.

JAMBALAYA!!! Yum. Noticed the brownies in the background. Not mine.

I had never made/eaten Jambalaya before. For such a hard word to say, it was quite a simple thing to make. A little chicken, sausage, rice, tomatoes and a bunch of spices all cooked together for a delicious little meal. I knew I hadn't cooked in ages when I went to our spices in the cabinet and saw ALL this stuff I didn't know we had ("surely I'll need to buy some bay leaves...oh, I guess we have them...cool").

Secondly, I have restarted my job search. While I do enjoy the jobs I have now, I simply need more money so I've returned to submitting application after application to the Internet. So, fellow job-seekers, I feel your pain. I can only do so much applying before telling myself I'm not qualified to do anything and digging a spoon into the ice cream carton.

Thirdly, I'm looking to actually have some fun this summer (how unique, I know). Next Sunday my cousins, sister and I are doing the Pittsburgh Challenge 2012, essentially an "Amazing Race" type challenge just through the city of Pittsburgh. I'll try to snap photos and blog about it after the fact, should be a fun time had by all.

Speaking of running, my friend Kait has started doing some run training with me, in one of my fantasies of running a half marathon next year to check something off my bucket list. It's a tall order but I think I'm up to the task.


What else is there? I want to see more movies and plays to keep up with my (recently neglected) other blog. My friend Chelsea is having a birthday celebration at a Pirates game over the summer, so that will be another fun thing I'm looking forward to. I'm also going to try to get back into writing, now that I finally got my lazy ass to add Microsoft Word on this computer. Perhaps I'll post some things onto this blog if I feel like sharing.

I came to a realization yesterday that most people I know are entering a big transitioning phase in their lives. Some people are moving, others a preparing for their wedding, others are starting new jobs, etc. While I initially saw it as a scary, changing time I have now come to accept these changes and look forward to them. Here's to Summer 2012! May as well live it up, because we could all be dead come December!

The Fool Reads: Little Bee and Little Blackie

Well another month has gone by, so we know what that means: I have read two whole books! Not even fairly large books, mind you, it just takes me awhile to get things read. Both stories feature strong female narrators trying to make their way in unknown territory. While they share that in common, the two are really quite different.

Little Bee by Chris Cleave

The first book, recommended to me by friend Chelsea, is about a young Nigerian girl, Little Bee, who recounts her tale from her village to an immigration asylum to reuniting with Sarah. Sarah is a British magazine editor who had a traumatic encounter with Bee years ago while on holiday with her husband. The book has each woman take turns narrating and they tell us about the events that happened as well as move their current lives forward.

These women are very different from each other, and each views the world differently. Little Bee is very mature for her age, and talks to the reader in a very conversational-like way. Having lived a hard life, she speaks bluntly about such topics most people would find uncomfortable. For example, she explains early on that she constantly fears the men who are hunting for her will find her. Therefore, in any situation she is in she plots a way she could kill herself if she had to, in order to escape a worse fate from the men.

"In the canteen there was a television that was always on. I began to learn more about life in your country. I watched programs called Love Island and Hell's Kitchen and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and I worked out how I would kill myself on all those shows. Drowning, knives, ask the audience."

-Little Bee, Little Bee pg 49. Cleave.

Sarah is a bit more depressed as a character. Having lived a much better life than Bee, she has a harder time dealing with the traumatic event that occurred when they first met (I won't ruin it for you). Her problems may seem more small-scale compared to Bee's, but that also makes her more easier to relate to. She goes through her life with a certain numbness, but she does eventually snap back into living after reuniting with Bee.

"Still shaking, in the pew, I understood that it isn't the dead we cry for. We cry for ourselves, and I didn't deserve my own pity."

-Sarah, Little Bee pg 96. Cleave

All in all, Mr. Cleave writes a very interesting and harshly realistic story. It is especially fun to get into the head of Little Bee, who despite being young and foreign has a great grasp on the world around her. The events that happen are very dark, and the ending is harsh as well, but that makes for a great read.

Side note, there may be a film version of this movie in the future featuring Nicole Kidman as Sarah. Fun Fact.

True Grit by Charles Portis

My first interaction with True Grit was seeing the new film over a year ago. I loved the film (as I said in my review) and finally got around to reading the novel it was based on.

Grit is told from the perspective of young Mattie Ross, a girl who sets out to capture Tom Cheney, a man who murdered her father in cold blood. Cheney escaped through the Indian land and joined up with criminal Lucky Ned Pepper and his gang, so Mattie enlists the help of ruthless Marshall Rooster Cogburn and Texas Ranger Lebeouf in order to track the man down.

Mattie is an old woman looking back on her story, and the script reads like you sat someone down and just asked them to talk to you. She pauses to explain things (some that don't need explaining), goes off on a few side tangents, quotes the bible, and makes a few judgements on her traveling companions. Hers is a frank but perfectly realistic way of talking, which often leads to funny results.

"Nature tells us to rest after meals and people who are too busy to heed that inner voice are often dead at the age of fifty years."

-Mattie Ross, True Grit pg 36. Portis

The story is a dangerous one but instead of focusing on the rough Marshall Cogburn (another great character) it focuses on this very mature little girl who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. Mattie proves that strong female characters existed way before Katniss Everdeen graced the pages. She has good common sense, a very adult way of dealing with things, and a wit she uses even in the face of danger.

"-A little smut will not harm you."

"-Yes, that is true, or else you and your 'chums' would surely be dead."

-Lucky Ned Pepper and Mattie Ross, True Grit pg188. Portis

I definitely recommend this book to anyone. The afterword written by Donna Tartt suggests this book may be one of the best written, and I agree it is quite a classic. 

Charlie Brown and Me

A common game my friends and I do at work is cast ourselves as cartoon characters. Recently we came to the conclusion that I am the "Charlie Brown" of our little "Peanuts" group. My friend Jodi confirmed: "That means you're the center of our group but we all secretly hate you". We decided Jodi would be Lucy.


Now before I continue allow me to point out that Jodi apologized right after that sentence and that I am 95% sure they all don't hate me. And if the truth lies in that 5%, then all the better for me to live in ignorance. But what does it mean to be a Charlie Brown?

The first Peanuts comic. Poor Charlie never had a chance.

Being Charlie Brown is somewhat similar to being Meg Griffin from Family Guy. Meg has a lot in common with Charlie Brown: both are abused by their friends and family for no apparent reasons. Both try to stay optimistic in a world where bad shit always happens to them. Both have a white dog that steals the show All. The. Time.



So why does Charlie Brown put up with that? Well I assume that, like me, he knows his friends are kidding and would have his back if he needed them. I also suspect Charlie has a thick skin; his friends mock him openly but he still puts them on his baseball team and in his Christmas pageants. People, including myself, sometime like to show their support and affection through sarcasm and harsh language. For example, if a friend of yours comes up and says "Oh gee, guys, I'm having a bad day" the proper response would be "oh no, what's wrong?". Whereas me and my folk would say something like "Oh, well why don't you post about it on Facebook before you get your period?" or something in that vain.

Sometimes people need a scapegoat for their anger. They are pissed at the world so they take it out on someone they know is a friend; that way they get rid of their anger without worsening a situation. It can be tough to be that scapegoat sometimes, but after years of practice you learn to shrug it off and go with it. Take Lucy for example. She always pulls the football away from Charlie Brown before he can kick it. And you know why? Because Lucy's a bitch. But tricking Charlie makes her feel better, and in return she's always there for him when he needs advice (for five cents, please).

Oh fan art, gotta love it.

What else do I have in common with Charlie Brown? I share his insecurities, for sure, but I feel like everyone can feel like CB in that respect. It would be weepy to say life hands me shit, and false because I have had a good life so far. But perhaps in little ways life may hand me shit. Like getting a rock instead of candy on Halloween. I get rocks sometimes instead of candy. You just say "aaaggh! I got a rock!" and move on with life. Or sometimes you throw that rock at Violet, and take her candy.

I also share CB's need for attention and affection, the way he gripes when he doesn't get a Valentine's Day card. Take right this instant, for example: it's midnight, I have no reason to be awake, but I'm blogging about how I'm like a comic strip character known for being the butt of everyone's joke. It's a lame situation, but it's totally something Charlie Brown would do.

 But there's plenty of good about being Charlie Brown. For starters, you appreciate all the good you have in life: Your dog playing Red Baron on his doghouse, that scary-ass demon tree from Hell not eating your kite. You face the day with an unwavering optimism: today will be my day, I'm gonna kick that football and finally talk to the Little Red Haired Girl. Even though you know you'll land right on your ass in both instances.

And so I will embrace my inner Charlie Brown. Everyone may mock him, but in the end he's a Good Man (musical reference). Now I'm going to go to my front porch and sing "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes. Because that's what Charlie Brown would do.

The Fool Reads: Clash of Kings and Rachel Dratch

It's been a long month of March and April, and I embarrassingly only have two books to show for it. However one was crazy long (and I admit, I read slow). So here are some thoughts.

First up, the second in A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R.R. Martin: A Clash of Kings. I will admit, I got into this book series after seeing videos of the series on HBO. While that sort of makes me a wagon-jumper, I have no regrets arriving to this fantasy series a bit late. In my spare time I suffer from an addiction to the computer game Dragon Age, and I have come to realize I must have some sort of soft spot for the dragon-slaying, sword fighting crowd.

But the reason I really love this series is the huge ensemble cast. I love well-written characters and George Martin gives a whole slew of them, each giving their own perspective on the goings-on in the country. At the center of this novel is Tyrion, the clever dwarf who always has a hilarious wisecrack and a plan up his sleeve. We also get chapters from Jon Snow who is off dealing with all sorts of nasty things in the forest, and we get two new narrators in the rascal-y Theon Greyjoy and the "onion knight" Davos Seaworth.

Emillia Clarke as Daenerys

I confess to being partial to the amount of strong female characters this series offers, my favorite being the self-proclaimed Queen of the Dragons, Daenerys. Like the first book, she spends her time away from the rest of the main characters, but her trials are one of the most challenging and I secretly hope she'll take the crown one day. Other strong women include Catelyn Stark and her young daughter Arya, who both show of their strengths: Catelyn emotionally and Arya physically. The other Stark daughter, Sansa, is growing on me. In the first book she was incredibly naive, which made it frustrating to read her chapters. However, in this book she has grown more and it's more entertaining to see her struggle to survive.

I also have to give a shout out to Varys, the eunuch, who is probably my favorite male character. He doesn't serve anyone whole-heartedly: he does what is best for his kingdom, and what is best for him. We never get inside his head and that really adds to his intrigue. I hope he stays around for future books. I also enjoyed the addition of the character Brienne, a mannish woman who serves as a knight for King Renly (who is in a "don't ask, don't tell" relationship with Ser Loras, who is technically his brother-in-law. Gay drama!)

I really enjoy the TV series, and happily I finished the book BEFORE the entire season aired. There are supposed to be seven in this book series, and only five are released. I would like to tackle the third, but they take so long (this one was 1,000 pages) I need some lighter reading in between epicness. Which brings me to:

The last book I read, courtesy of Kindle: Girl Walks into a Bar: Comedy Calamities, Dating Disasters, and a Midlife Miracle by comedian Rachel Dratch. Dratch was a star on Saturday Night Live for seven years, and was cast members with Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph (my personal dream team). She was always one of my favorite cast members ever, and I'm puzzled as to why she's not a household name like the rest of her ladies. Her most famous character was Debbie Downer, a woman who always brought down the room with a horribly depressing fact (usually cat AIDS statistics).

Dratch starts off her book talking about showbiz, answering some questions about SNL and about her work on 30 Rock (she was originally supposed to play the role played by Jane Krakowski). Her book doesn't have as many "laugh out loud" moments like Tina Fey's did, but it was really entertaining due to the conversational way she writes.

Dratch as Debbie Downer

She tells stories about her early work in Second City (where she met Fey) and some behind-the-scenes stuff on SNL, which I love reading about. While she keeps an optimistic feel throughout the book, she doesn't shy away from admitting some harsh truths: Hollywood sees her as the "lesbian best friend" caricature, she hasn't really worked long term since 30 Rock, and she even read comments saying she was replaced by Krakowski because she was the prettier actress (and at times, Dratch worried that was the case herself).

The second half of the book deals with the discovery that Ms. Dratch was pregnant at age 43. Since it was considered an impossibility, she thought the child-bearing time of her life was over and never dreamt she'd become pregnant. When she did, by a man she dated for six months, she stepped into the role of mother, although not so gracefully or willingly. She doesn't harp on "the joys of motherhood" or anything; rather she pokes fun at herself for being disgusted by a breast pump and loathing baby showers.

She sums up her attitude perfectly in her closing chapters (Spoiler alert? Can you spoil an autobiography?). She says a typical call from her agent would be for a movie: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Maya Rudolph are in it playing superheroes. They want Rachel to play Amy's obese, lesbian, alien mother. Dratch happily agrees to do the film for little money (the producers thought she'd like to work with her old friends). She then hangs up the phone and goes to her baby Eli. She plays with his little feet and his toes, and says there is no better feeling.

A Trip to Mountain Stage

(Joan Osborne)

Yesterday I returned to my old college grounds, Morgantown WV, to see another Mountain Stage Concert. If you don't know, Mountain Stage is a radio program that is recorded in West Virginia. Concerts feature about four or five different artists in genres like folk, bluegrass, jazz, soul, gospel, and more. Most of their shows are recorded in Charleston but they do a few shows each year in Morgantown. I only got into these shows last year but I try to hit them all up when I can and I subscribe to the podcast on iTunes. While I don't always love everything I hear, Mountain Stage has helped me discover plenty a new artist (or at least, new to me).

The first performer was a young woman named Lera Lynn. She and her band (two boys, one on guitar and one on bass) have been opening for Joan Osborne, who was the headliner for this show. She has a good strong voice and some fun songs as well. She closed with the song "Good Hearted Man" and the link will take you to the music video version of that song, which is quite entertaining.



The second act was a bluegrass group called Leftover Salmon. The lead singer is a WVU alumni and the crowd was very responsive to him. There was some amazing guitar and banjo playing with this group, I was blown away by the rapid fingering of guitar strings. Probably because I have no patience when I tried to learn guitar so I'm impressed by anyone who does.






Next was a folk singer named Sylvie Lewis. This woman quickly became my favorite act of the evening. She performed solo, accompanying herself on the ukelele, piano, or guitar depending on the song. The songs were very pretty, as was her voice. In between songs she would tell funny stories in her beautiful English accent. Not many people could tell a story about someone farting in an elevator with class, but Ms. Lewis sure did. After the show I bought her CD and had her sign it, not something I usually do but what the hell she was there. She signed the booklet of the CD with an "Isaac is fabulous". I loved it.
Here's the music video for her song "The Fish and the Bird".

The fourth act was probably the most popular with the crowd: The Punch Brothers. I had never heard of them, but I did notice their names on a track from The Hunger Games soundtrack, so I feel like they're doing quite well for themselves. I really enjoyed them as well, they have a lot of great songs on their new CD "Who's Feeling Young Now?". There are great vocals and equally good string playing in this young bluegrass band and I hope to hear more from them. Here's them performing "Patchwork Girlfriend".




The final act of the night was blues singer Joan Osborne. If you don't recognize the name, her most famous song is "One of Us" which you've most likely heard. The song was recorded quite a few years ago and she now has this awesome mature blues voice that she really knows how to use. Her new CD is called "Bring It on Home" and all her material was great. Listening to her felt like being in some sort of blues cafe, she was definitely a great note to end the show on. Here's a more recent version of her singing "One of Us". I was going to post a video of her singing something from her new album, but screw it, here she is singing "Ain't No Sunshine".

So yeah, that was my awesome weekend. Gonna go use up the iTunes gift card now...

A Message from the Devil...Puppet

Greetings, and happy Friday the 13th.

My name is Be$%#@$%(*FEET%@$^&*. You probably can't pronounce that, but you can refer to me as Lester. I am a devil. Not THE devil, but A devil. Allow me to elaborate.

I used to live in (or possibly near) the land known as Prague. I was a marionette, and for you who may not know what that is, it is a form of puppet. Not like those annoying Muppets that have tainted the name of puppetry, but a puppet you operate using a string system to move their arms and legs. Like that film Pinocchio or that disgustingly cheerful song in The Sound of Music portraying men that fall in love with goats.

Anyway, Prague (or somewhere near it) was a lovely land where I lived with a little family of marionettes and our manipulator, Heimlich. Heimlich loved us all, but that didn't stop him from selling us to tourists. I had watched so many of my loved ones leave me, each one a different shape, size, and color. No two of use looked exactly alike. I had grown to care for my little family and had I any tear ducts would have wept upon being sold.

I don't know how long I remained in the suitcase. Possibly just for a few days, possibly a whole week. I remember getting a nosebleed; I assume that was when I was on the airplane. First time flier! When I was finally unpacked I was abruptly attacked by four cats. I thought "this must be some sort of shelter" but no, there are actually four cats in this house. When you're a marionette, cats are public enemy number one.

I was given as a gift and taken upstairs to a little room away from the cats. I now sit on a desk next to a large computer. My only other companion is a stuffed cow with a black t-shirt that says "RENT" on it. We don't talk much. I have come to realize: I'm in America.

I haven't seen much of America. Actually I've just seen this room. I've learned a few things though. Apparently, in America there is no water or beer: just Diet Coke. Or at least, that's all this human drinks. Some days I can't see over the wall of empty cans in front of my face. Not that there's much to see anyway. This human sleeps at least 12 hours a day. He wakes up at 5 am, leaves for four hours, comes back, sleeps for another 3. I mean, I'm a puppet but I move more than he does.

But I suppose I shouldn't complain. He talks to me sometimes. And he practices trying to make me move. He's quite good; so far I can wave "hello" with my left hand while doing absolutely nothing else.

Little does he know I can move on my own, and whenever he goes to his alleged "jobs" I get onto his computer and take over. I have bought a good deal of useless merchandise on Amazon.com and have set up my own Facebook account (friend me!). I think I'm going to like it here. And if I don't...I'll just have to take it over....ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Just kidding.

Or am I?

No, I am.

Right?

Sleep with one eye open.

That's the eye I'll rip out of its socket.

Happy Friday the 13th.